At first she hardly noticed it. She was too busy to notice it. Between missions she had to work on her reports or in her lab and when she finally got home for a day or two she had to catch up on "real life" - answering mail, cleaning up, fixing the TV, going shopping, that sort of stuff. Plus there was not much to notice. Sometimes she got a little dizzy. So what? That was probably due to hunger or the fact that she didn't drink enough. Or maybe it was a cold coming on. Yeah, that seemed likely given the fact that the last planet they had visited had been covered with ice from one pole to the other. Plus there were the "two toos" - Too much work, too little sleep. As usual.
Sam sighed and rubbed her eyes. The lines she had just typed on her computer were hardly readable and so Sam switched from 12 to 14 points. Much better. The report she was working on was almost finished. Hammond would be pleased to have it on his desk first thing in the morning.Daniel knocked on the door-frame and Sam looked up.
"Hey, Sam."
"Hey, Daniel."
"Whoa, you okay?"
Sam frowned. "Of course, why do you ask?"
"You look pale."
"That's just the light in here, Daniel."
Daniel shrugged and started telling her about the artefacts they had brought back from the ice-planet. Sam listened to him, but found herself drifting away suddenly. His voice sounded strange in her ears and for a second she could see two Daniel Jacksons standing in front of her. Sam blinked and the world returned to normal.
****************************
"Carter, hurry up!" Colonel Jack O'Neill frowned at his second in command. Sam climbed up the hill, breathing heavily and sweating like hell. She felt miserable, but she would rather have bitten off her tongue than said anything. When she caught up with the Colonel he grinned at her.
"Have you been partying last night? Come on, time to wake up. Rise and shine, Major. We got work to do."
"Yes, Sir."
Sam replied through clenched teeth. She took another step forward and suddenly the world started spinning. Sam's heart jumped in fear. Her vision was slowly fading and all sounds around her died down. Oh god, great, I am gonna faint, she thought angry and tried to fight the wave of nausea that washed over her. Just when she thought she was going to fall to the ground her vision returned to normal and the dizziness faded.
"Carter! I am not going to say this again! Get going!" O'Neill shouted. Sam nodded, breathing hard.
"Yes, Sir. Coming."
They were trapped. Not that they had not been trapped before, but this time Sam was afraid. They had taken cover behind some rocks that protected them from the shots fired by an unseen enemy somewhere in the dark of the forest. Sam tried desperately to find the attacker. She waved her gun in one direction, just to get the feeling her enemy had to be in the exact opposite direction. Teal'c aimed with his staff-weapon and a bright ball of energy cut through the dark.
"He's over there! Carter, can you see him?"
"No, Sir!"
"Wait, I think I see him", Daniel yelled. "He's over there by that tree!"
Jack aimed and fired. They heard a muffled cry somewhere behind a tree, followed by angry voices talking in a foreign language.
"Oh, great, he's not alone", Jack cursed.
"Carter, you take the two over there, I'll try to get rid of those guys over here."
O'Neill pointed into the dark and Sam cursed. Instead of trees and attackers she saw tiny little sparks of light, dancing in front of her eyes. What the hell was wrong with her eyes? Panic struck her and she realized that she had to swallow her pride and say something in order not to endanger the team.
"I can't see them, Sir!"
"What do you mean, they are right over there!", Jack yelled back.
"I can't see them."
"Over there!"
"I can't"
O'Neill turned to Teal'c. "Teal'c! Get over there, help Carter!"Sam closed her eyes. That was the most embarrassing moment of her life.
***********************************
"I can't find anything wrong with you, Sam." Janet said sighing and shook her head. "You're probably just exhausted. I want you to take it easy for a few days."
"Okay" Sam answered and stared at the floor. Colonel O'Neill walked into the room and looked at Sam.
"How do you feel?"
"Embarrased?" Sam offered, still looking down. O'Neill shook his head.
"Hey, no need to really. That can happen to anyone."
"But it happened to me."
"Sam", Janet cut in. "the Colonel is right. The human body can only take so much pressure. There was nothing you could have done."
"Yeah, but still..."
"Sam, go home", Jack said in a soft voice. Sam looked up at him. She could see concern in his dark eyes and that was what made her get up from the bed she had been sitting on.
"Fine, I will. See you in a couple of days."
A week later Sam Carter woke up with a moan on her lips. The bed. Make the bed stop spinning, she thought. Her stomach hurt and she had barely enough time to get up and hurry to the bathroom before she had to throw up. Great way to start your morning, she thought, as she headed into the kitchen a few minutes later. She stood there in the middle of the room, not sure what to do. Breakfast seemed a bad idea after what just happened. So after a few moments she left to get dressed. First day back at work and she didn't want to be late.
************************
When Sam left the elevator and started walking down the corridor she felt better. Finally she was back where she belonged. At home she almost had gone crazy. There was just nothing for her to do and all the things she would have liked to do - like writing - were strictly forbidden. Doctor's orders.
"Hey Sam! Welcome home!" Daniel walked up to her, smiling. "So, you feeling better?"
"Yes, thank you, Daniel."
She regretted her words as soon as she had spoken them, as another wave of sickness rolled through her stomach.
"Sam?"
"Nothing, just feel a little sick to my stomach. I've had to throw up every morning for a week now, Probably a virus or something."
"You're not pregnant, are you?" Daniel joked.
"Funny, my dad asked the same thing, when I told him." Sam said with a frown.
Daniel smiled. "Well, always looking for the simplest explanation."
"Oh believe me, I am not pregnant." Sam replied, faking a grin. She had a feeling she was going to use that phrase a lot during the next days.
*******************************
The next four weeks went by fast and Sam adapted to her condition. She still threw up every morning, but she got used to it soon - as did the SGC-personal to Sam Carter running down the corridor from her lab to the toilets. The sickness usually faded around lunch-time, but every evening the dizziness hit with full force, depending on how much time Sam had spent in front of her computer or working standing. But Sam felt she was handling this thing rather well. She got her work done and that was all that mattered. And tomorrow they would finally go off-world again. She closed the door to her lab and leaned against it for a second, her eyes closed.
"Carter?"
"Sir!"
Sam stood up straight and forced a smile. Apparently it didn't work, because Jack regarded her with a concerned expression.
"You okay?"
"I get asked that question a lot lately."
"that is no answer."
"I am fine, really. Just a little dizzy. It's annoying, but I can handle it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I am sure. So when do we leave tomorrow."
Jack suddenly found something very interesting to look at on the floor.
"Uh, Carter, I am sorry, you're not going."
"What do you mean?"
"It's going to be tough, rough and dangerous out there. No sleep, no rest . . ."
"So? It's the usual."
"Yeah, but you're not .. your usual."
Sam winced at his words. So it did show. No matter how hard she tried to hide it, they knew that she was sick and they didn't trust her to be tough enough to handle it out there. On a rational level Sam knew that they were right. That she was in no condition to go off-world. But she had been stuck in her lab for over a month now and got slowly claustrophobic. Sam just wanted to see the sky again, blue, red,green, whatever colour it might be on P4X1013.
"Sir, I can handle this", Sam said looking at him desperately. "Trust me, I can. I just want to go back to work."
Jack shook his head, sighing. "Okay, okay, if Fraiser says she's okay with this, then I am as well."
"Thank you, Sir. Got to go see Janet right away."
Major Samantha Carter smiled. She adjusted her cap and waited for the gate to be activated. Janet had agreed to let her go - of course Sam hadn't mentioned anything about the headaches she had had or the double-vision she suffered from almost every evening. Sam knew it was wrong of her not to say anything. But she was going crazy. All she wanted was to be normal. She wanted to be out there with her team. Plus there was that nagging feeling Sam fought with all week. She had heard people talking about her. That she was burnt out. That she just couldn't handle the stress anymore. That Janet Fraiser was not able to figure out what was wrong with her, because there really wasn't anything wrong with her physically. Every night, before she fell asleep Sam thought about these things. Maybe the others were right. Maybe she wasn't sick at all. Maybe she was just nuts. Or weak. Or both. Maybe it wasn't her body that was giving up on her, maybe it was her mind. That thought scared her more than anything ever had before. Sam shook her head to clear her mind and focused on the gate. The blue shimmer of the event horizon sent shadows across the room. Jack smiled at his team.
"Okay, Campers, let's get going."
He stepped through the stargate and Daniel and Teal'c followed. Sam smiled relieved. Finally. Now she could prove them all wrong and everything was going to go back to normal. She stepped through the gate.
****************************
Sam Carter heard low voices in the dark that surrounded her.
"I should have known better. Damn it." Jack. That was Jack.
"But she seemed fine." Daniel. That was Daniel.
"Yeah, she did. But as you can see now, she is not." Jack replied. "Teal'c dial home,we're going back."
Daniel again: "Janet says she can't find anything wrong with Sam."
"So she has to try harder."
"But what if ..."
Jack cut him off. "Don't. Don't even think about it. She's tougher than the both of us, you know?"
"Sometimes the greatest warriors have the greatest weaknesses." Teal'c said matter-of-factly.
Jack growled at him: "Stop it! Both of you! I don't want to hear another word of it."
Sam was glad, when she drifted back into oblivion.
**********************************
Over. All over. Sam stared at the TV in front of her, but she wasn't really paying any attention to it. She had been home for over two months now and drifted in and out of depression. During the first few weeks her friends had made sure to stop by every day. If Daniel wasn't around, Janet would knock on the door and if Janet was busy,Jack or Teal'c would wind up at her place, always with a good excuse, why they just had to see her. They never mentioned that they were visiting a patient. But as the weeks went by their visits became less often. Not that they didn't want to visit her anymore, but they just didn't have the time. The Goul'd were on the move and defense plans had to be made. And while the world turned, Sam Carter sat at home watching "Days of our lives" because her own life was over. As soon as that thought had crossed her mind, she felt guilty. She was lucky. She was sick, yes, but she wasn't in pain, she didn't have to stay at the hospital and whatever it was she had, it sure as hell was not going to kill her. So why complaining? Other people were worse of than her. Her Dad had had every right to feel self-pity when he had suffered from cancer. But her? So she was dizzy and throwing up. Big deal. It really wasn't and that was what made Sam so angry and depressed. It was nothing. And yet - it had managed to change her whole life. She was dizzy and felt sick at night, so she couldn't sleep. Because she couldn't sleep she was always tired, which made the whole dizziness-thing even worse. Because she was always dizzy her muscles were always flexed as they prepared her body for bumping into stuff or falling down.Because her muscles were so tense, she could barely breathe, which was worst at night, when she lay down, so even if she didn't feel dizzy, she still couldn't sleep.Which all added up to Sam being in really bad shape and not able to work at all. Little things can sometimes have huge consequences Sam thought as she stared at the letter that was sitting on her living-room table. Her resignation. She hadn't given it to Hammond yet, but she had set herself a deadline and that deadline was almost over.
Another week. If I am not better in a week, I'll resign.
There was just no other way. They couldn't wait for her forever. She almost didn't hear the knock on the door. She got up from the couch, automatically reaching for the table to steady her until the wave of dizziness faded. When she opened the door she found Jack O'Neill standing outside. He had a bad cut on his forehead, but a huge smile on his face.
"Hey there stranger! How are ya?"
"Sir! Hi! What happened to you?"
"Ah, long story, wanna hear it?"
"Sure, come in."
He sat down next to Sam on the couch and his smile faded.
"How are you?"
"My ususal dizzy self", Sam replied with a smile she didn't really feel. But she was sick of thinking of talking about this stuff. She wanted to know what was going on out there in the real world.
"So what happened?"
"Ah, you know. . ."
And Jack started telling her the story on P4X6788. Sam listened intently and although she enjoyed every word he said, she got sadder with every second that passed. Jack talked about how the "Three of them" had done this and that and Sam felt a sharp pain in her heart. Jack mentioned the name of a captain from SG11 Sam had never heard before and yet Jack seemed to know the guy pretty well. Sam felt like crying. She was cut off from everything. Her friends, her work, her life. They continued living their lives out there while she was stuck in here with nothing but her own thoughts.Jack stopped talking and looked at her.
"Sam? You okay?"
"Yeah, sure." She replied but couldn't stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. Jack reached out to her and drew her into his embrace. When her body made contact with his, Sam wanted to cry out in pain. Up until now she hadn't realised just how lonely she had been. It was the first time in almost two weeks that someone touched her. Two weeks without any physical contact at all. Jack pulled her closer as her sobs grew louder. She held on to him as hard as she could, never wanting to let go, as the tears she had been holding back for days finally streamed down her face. Jack stroked her back and whispered.
"Shh, everything's going to be alright."
Sam didn't let go of him, but drew in a sharp breath.
"It won't", she yelled between sobs. "It will never be alright again!"
Jack pulled her still closer and kissed her head.
"Oh yes, it will, Sam. Don't give up, okay? You're stronger than this, I know it."
"I don't. Not anymore. This is so... exhausting", she whispered, her face still pressed to his chest. Jack held her for a long time, until the last tears dried and Sam finally moved out of his embrace. She wiped her face with her arm and shook her head
"Sorry for that, I didn't mean to . . ."
Jack reached out to her and took her hand in his.
"Don't apologize. Not to me. It's okay. I am the one who should be sorry. I didn't realise this was so hurting you so much."
"It's okay, really. It's just one of those days on which I really get impatient with my body."
"So how are you. Really I mean."
"Really? Okay, let's see. I am lonely, I feel like I am going nuts, because no medicine seems to work on me, so I figure this must really be a mental problem and not a physical one. How did Teal'c put it: Great warrior, great weakness."
Jack looked alarmed for a second. "You heard that?"
"Yes I did, and you know what? Maybe he's right. I've tried so hard to deny that thought. I fought so hard to convince myself that what I have is just an illness and nothing more. But I am tired of it. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I don't."
"Sam . . ."
"I quit."
"Sam . . ."
"No, I mean it. I quit."
"No you won't." Jack said in a soft voice. Sam shook her head, but then her eyes met his and she calmed down. His dark eyes showed concern, but also a faith that was so strong Sam felt it physically. Faith in her. He had faith in her. He knew what she didn't, couldn't know right now. He knew that everything was going to be alright at the end. Sam wasn't able to speak. She just moved closer to him again and Jack took her in his arms. Sam closed her eyes.
"I know it. You'll be fine. And I'll tell you something now. I know you know that already, but maybe you have forgotten at the moment: You're stronger than this. I know it. You're brave, you're intelligent, you're strong. You can win this fight. Don't let anyone confuse you, okay? Don't listen to what everyone says. They don't know what you're going through. They cannot know. No one can. That is why you feel alone in the world. Because however hard you try to explain what this illness does to you, they can't understand it. Not even I can. And that comes not from a lack of trying. You know that."
"I know" Sam whispered. "Thank you."
Jack wrapped his arms around her and waited until her eyes fell shut and she drifted into sleep. "You're stronger, Sam. I know it."
************************
"So basically that should do the trick." Sam looked at Janet stunned. Her mind had not yet comprehended what her body already felt.
"So, that's it? One injection and I take these pills every night and . . . I'll be okay?"
"In a couple of months, yes. I have to warn you, though: Progress will come slowly, but it will come. Maybe it'll take half a year, maybe a year, but you will be fine again,Sam. I can assure you that."
"You're really sure?"
"Yes, I am. No sports for now. No dancing. No driving. No drinking. No working long hours at the computer. But hopefully I will be able to put you back on light duty in a couple of days. And now I want to Colonel to drive you home."
When Sam and Jack left Cheyenne mountain they were greeted by a beautiful sunset. Sam stopped and stared at the red sun. Jack smiled at her and reached out to touch her hand. Sam smiled, still looking at the sun.
"You know", she said. "the other day when I said thank you I meant it. I am not sure what I would have done if you hadn't . . ."
"Hey, what are friends for", Jack replied with a wink and a smile. Sam didn't see it, but her own smile got bigger.
"Got any dinner-plans tonight?"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "Who? Me? No. Why?"
"Just been thinking: Those past month I felt like I was dead. Now I've been given a second chance. Janet says it won't be easy and there will be setbacks, but I accept that challenge. Under one condition that is."
"Which is what?"
"I don't want to face it alone."
Jack's hand closed around hers and he looked at the sunset, still smiling.
"I didn't plan on letting you face it alone."
They were silent for a few minutes, then Jack turned to look at Sam.
"Can I ask you a stupid question?"
"Always."
"How do you feel?"
"Alive."
The end
Story Notes: AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this after a really bad week on a rainy, lonely night which seemed to go on forever and ever and I needed something to keep me from going completey nuts. The illness described in the story is called "cerebral basiliar syndrome"(hope I translated that correctly) - at least that's what I've been told THIS time *sigh*
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]