After everything that had happened to us, it didn’t end the way I thought it would. I thought that if our relationship ever ended it would have been in one of three ways. Either one or both of us would die, that General Hammond would order us apart or that we’d have a spectacular fight that our friendship let alone a relationship would have a hard time recovering from. But it didn’t end in any of these ways. Maybe it had been coming on so gradually I never noticed but one day we just looked at each other and knew it was time to stop.
We’d just been on a mission, one of those incredibly risky ones we always seem to get ourselves into that could’ve gone one way or the other. I think I knew as soon as we arrived back on the base, when he turned around and just for a second our eyes met. That’s when I realised what was going to happen. One part of me wanted to run away screaming that it wasn’t fair and we could find a way, we really could. But the other part, the part that had known all along this day would come, accepted it calmly and stood on the ramp waiting for General Hammond to dismiss us.
After the debriefing, Jack called me into his office, shutting the door and locking it behind us. "Sam…" he started, trailing off unsure of how to begin and what to say. I think he was afraid I wouldn’t understand and I’d make a scene. But I understood.
"I know," I replied simply. "We have to end it."
He smiled sadly and it was decided. We didn’t state reasons, we both knew why. The mission we’d just been on could’ve ended badly, so badly that earth could’ve been at risk. It sounds so melodramatic, but we both knew that Jack had risked our planet to save me and we both knew that that was wrong. Very wrong. I had already turned to go when he stopped me.
"You know I love you don’t you? I always will." I almost went back on my decision then, it was the first time he’d ever said it, the day we decided to end it. I almost said, damn the earth - it can cope without us. But I didn’t. Instead I only turned around and smiled wistfully at him.
"I won’t stop loving you either." I said. Then I leaned in and kissed him lingeringly, trailed a hand down his face so that he leaned into my touch, and walked out. In a perfect world I wouldn’t have left and we would’ve found a way to make it work. But it’s not a perfect world, let alone universe. So I kept walking.
No one had known about us, no one. I didn’t tell Janet and Jack didn’t tell Daniel or Teal’c. We agreed that no one else should be brought into it in case the worst happened. They would’ve disapproved anyway. Daniel especially.
The day that Jack and I began our relationship, I asked him what had made him come to my house. "Daniel told me I couldn’t ever have anything with you because it would just end badly, I guess I wanted to prove him wrong." We’d both laughed.
Today I went home and cried. I have no idea what Jack did, maybe the same thing.
***
-Jack-
I think I’ve been staring at this wall for over an hour now. Our first down time in awhile was scheduled to start today and Sam had planned to come over. I was going to cook her something, anything. I learned to cook when we got together - she asked if I ever ate anything other than take away so I wanted to prove to her that I could. So I taught myself to cook and she ate my successes happily and laughed with me over my failures. It was such a normal activity to do, it helped us forget who we were.
I keep expecting her to come in the door, say something like "Hey Jack, must be a really interesting wall." But she hasn’t and I know she won’t. Not tonight, maybe not ever. Even though we knew this day would come one day, we never really talked about it. We had strict rules for our relationship. No one was to know, strictly no touching on base, on planet or where anybody could see, no one ever suspected us. Damn them, damn them for not knowing and not approving.
I was so happy when I was with her, I had something to look forward to, something to try my hardest for. Nothing at all ever made me happier than making her smile. I love her, I’d do anything for her and that’s exactly why it has to end, because I would do anything for her, even put a mission at risk.
There’s a knocking at the door and I think for just one second that it might be Sam, saying she knows a way for us to make it work. But it can’t be Sam, she’d just use her key. I open the door to see Daniel standing there with his arms folded.
"I’ve come to talk to you," he says and I grunt and stand aside to let him in.
I sit back down on my couch and he takes the chair facing me.
"Jack," he starts off, his open face showing only concern, "do you realise what happened today?" Course I do, but I don’t think he does though. "You endangered the mission because of Sam, that can’t happen again."
"Everything turned out alright didn’t it?"
He sighs in frustration "Yeah, this time. But what about next time and the time after that." He looks at me very seriously, I know what’s going to come next. "I know you’re in love with Sam, you might even love her. But you know you can never have a relationship with her, there’s too much at stake. Like an entire world. Next time, if you put her ahead of the success of the mission we might not have a home to go back to. If you started something with her it’d be plain selfish, what if our team was split up? Earth would lose its best defense, do you see what I mean? Besides, do you honestly expect it would last longer than a few weeks, you’re too different, and if you ended up hating each other it’d be far, far worse." He pauses, searching my eyes for some sort of sign I’m taking notice.
"Jack, tell me you won’t do anything, tell me you wouldn’t be that selfish."
"Danny, I’m not going to start a relationship with Sam, I know what’s at stake." It’s the truth, and I hope it satisfies him.
"I’m sorry Jack, I’m sorry it turned out this way. But I hope you see that its for the best."
"Course I do, no hard feelings."
He leaves my house, promising to see me on Sunday when we’re all taking Teal’c to a movie.
Only last a few weeks, huh? My relationship with Sam lasted one year, four months, two weeks, three days and six hours. I’m not sure of the minutes, I didn’t work it out. If things were different, it could’ve worked between us for a hell of a lot longer. We could’ve had so much happiness but that’s not how it worked out. One day in the future maybe, but not now. To do otherwise would be plain... selfish.
*END*
So let me know what you thought! Loved it, hated it? But only constructive criticism please :) Andrea M
Story Notes: EMAIL: butterflitter@hotmail.com
ARCHIVING: SJ Archive Heliopolis and my site, anyone else please ask first.
FEEDBACK: Please, please, please. Feedback lets authors know if they're doing it right, plus I'll worship you forever and put you on the top shelf of my imaginary feedback shrine :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES AND THANKS: First thanks to Ness, my splendiferous and very talented beta reader :) I know I haven't posted anything for awhile but it's because I've been working on Missing the Stars which will be posted next year. This is just a short story, more of a what if really. In most stories I've read, Sam and Jack's friends are ecstatic that they get together, but what if they weren't? Don't get me wrong, personally I've got no idea how their friends would react! So enjoy, and don't forget to send me feedback!
ARCHIVING: SJ Archive Heliopolis and my site, anyone else please ask first.
FEEDBACK: Please, please, please. Feedback lets authors know if they're doing it right, plus I'll worship you forever and put you on the top shelf of my imaginary feedback shrine :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES AND THANKS: First thanks to Ness, my splendiferous and very talented beta reader :) I know I haven't posted anything for awhile but it's because I've been working on Missing the Stars which will be posted next year. This is just a short story, more of a what if really. In most stories I've read, Sam and Jack's friends are ecstatic that they get together, but what if they weren't? Don't get me wrong, personally I've got no idea how their friends would react! So enjoy, and don't forget to send me feedback!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]