I Just Wish by Elise Hudson

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Story Notes: e mail: elisemarie@cwcom.net

Category: Angst, Sam/Jack romance? Or Sam/Daniel romance. It's up to you.

Spoilers: None

Season/sequel: None

Content Warnings: Character death.

Archive: SJRA, HELIOPOLIS, all others please ask

Comments: I'm having a bad week (more than a week actually) and so you get this! Feedback is appreciated, but not flames please. Also, take note that this hasn't been beta-read, I just needed to get it out.

Enjoy!

Copyright © Elise Hudson July 2000

**************** I just wish... ****************

He stepped out of the car and looked out across the expanse in front of him. Sitting in the middle of the area was Samantha Carter, her back to him. Slowly, he began to walk over to her. He knew she was hurting because he was hurting too. Life had a tendency to be unfair and the hands of bad luck had struck again. It had been two days since the accident, since the death and Sam had ran when she had returned from off world. No one had seen her since, but he knew where to find her. He knew where she would always be in times of need.

As he approached her, she heard him and turned around to look at him. As their eyes met, she broke down into tears. It was probably the first time she had cried since the accident. She always tried to maintain that she was a strong soldier, but she still had feelings, too. Maybe it was because she had been brought up as military and to fit in with the guys she had tried to be one of the guys by hiding her feelings. He stepped the extra step towards her and hugged her tightly, allowing her to release everything.

"Ssh," he whispered into her hair, "it's okay. Everything will be alright," he promised her.

Violently, she pushed away from him. "No! No, it won't!" she shouted. "It won't be okay because he's gone. He's gone," she repeated in a quieter voice. "He's gone and it's my fault."

"What?" he asked incredulously. "No, Sam, it's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented what happened."

"Yes, I could. I should have kept an eye on the situation, on the surroundings, but I was too caught up in my own thoughts. Then, out of nowhere, these men jump out of the undergrowth and hold guns up to us. It all happened so quickly."

"Sam," he whispered, knowing that what she was saying was hard for her to do so. SG-1 had split into pairs when the accident had happened. No one knew exactly what happened except Sam. "You never did explain what happened."

Sam sat down on the grass and he followed suit, sitting next to her. "These men appeared from nowhere. They sprang from the undergrowth and we were totally outnumbered by them. They spoke English and they looked Human - I'm not sure. Anyway, they told us that we had broken some kind of law. We tried to reason with them, but they said the punishment was death. One of them held their gun up and aimed it at me." Sam squeezed her eyes tightly shut at the memory. "I couldn't move, I couldn't think. It was like I totally froze. I could see what was happening from outside of my body. I was stood there and in slow motion the bullet came towards me. I watched as I stood there. I saw it all from outside of myself. The bullet came at me and I didn't move. He did, though. He jumped in front of me, taking the bullet for me. Don't you see, he died to save me and I couldn't even..."

"What? What couldn't you do?" he asked.

Sam took a deep breath, preparing herself for what had to be said. "I couldn't even give him an answer."

"Answer to what?"

"Before we left on that mission, he... he... he..." She began to cry again, unable to finish her sentence.

"What?"

"He proposed to me," she finally managed to get out. "I stumbled in answering him. I was shocked. I never thought he'd propose to me, not after how his first marriage ended. He took the confused stumble to mean that I didn't want to marry him and he walked off. I never got to tell him my answer. I never got to tell him that I loved him."

"He knew you loved him."

"No, he didn't. He thought I didn't love him because I never said yes. He died thinking that I didn't want to marry him and that I didn't love him. That's just not true, but it's too late now."

"Sam--"

"No!" she cut him off. "Don't try and offer me words of comfort. He died thinking I didn't love him and he died because I froze. He thought I didn't love him, but he still saved my life. I should have done something different, I should have died - not him."

"Sam, don't ever say that. He died protecting you. He died so that you could live. Don't throw away what he died for."

"I just don't want him to be gone. I want him back. I want to be able to tell him that I love him and that I want to marry him, but I can't, can I? I can never do that, can I?"

"No, Sam, you can't," he answered her truthfully. She was hurting more than the others at what had happened, but that was expected. She had just lost her best-friend, lover and soul mate all in one. "But one day it will stop hurting. You can trust me on that."

She looked over at him. "What would I do without you?" she asked.

He smiled. "Probably have more fun."

She smiled, but the tears and sadness were still there. "I just wish..."

"I know, Sam, I know." He reassured her, pulling her into his embrace. He held her for a long while, occasionally placing a kiss atop her head as she cried.

=======

The end.

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