Ten easy ways by NG1

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Story Notes: E-Mail: ngeldenhuys@wol.co.za

Category: Humor/Romance

Pairings: Sam/Jack

Spoilers: Season 7 onwards

Season: Future Season

Content Warnings: None

Archive: SJD Yes, everybody else just ask first

Author's Note: This story is not beta'd, therefore please excuse any mistakes.

My beta, MaraJade, Jedi is away on a nice, interesting, trip and will only be available in four weeks time.

If anybody is willing to beta for me for a while I'll appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. It will only be until my beta is back.

Lastly I just want to dedicate this story to all my fellow Jack/Sam shippers. Hope you enjoy it!

Jack was bored.

In fact he was more than bored, he was on the border of going stark naked crazy from having nothing to do.

He had just finished his first week in the General's chair and despite what he expected the whole world, in fact the whole galaxy, had decided to conspire against him - to go and behave themselves for the first time since the opening of the Stargate Program.

Looking at his watch Jack signed for the uttermost time that evening. He had a full two hours to before he could go home with a clear conscience. After all he was supposed to set an example to those that looked up to him each day to lead and guide them.

Stretching himself out Jack yawned with an open mouth and started looking around his office for something to pass his time with. After a few seconds of just seeing reports upon reports he gave up and started browsing through the contents of his drawers.

It was then that he stumbled upon a certain picture that was taken barely a week ago at the engagement party of a certain favourite Lieutenant Colonel of his. The picture featured that same Lieutenant Colonel standing next to a man which was way too young for her. He was a cop but Jack still could not managed to call him by his name in the privacy of his own thoughts. Next to THAT couple stood the rest of the former SG-1. Teal'c and Daniel Jackson appeared to be genuine happy for their friend but the forced smile on Jack's face portrait the true extent of his turbulent feelings.

Staring at the picture for a while an idea suddenly crept upon the pondering General, it was whispering to him that there was something which he could do to take his thoughts away from his boredom.

Smiling, grabbing a pen and a piece of scrap paper Jack pushed his chair closer to his desk. Lowering his head and after barely thinking for a few seconds he started scribbling across the page in big letters:

HOW TO KILL PETE SHANAHAN IN TEN EASY WAYS

Number 1 -

Pick up the red phone and contact the President. Tell him I'm phoning to call in a small little favour for having saved Earth so many times. After all I've never ever asked for anything from this man before. Or did I? Anyway that's beyond the point.

I'll just tell him I know someone who is a threat to the safety of our planet and needs to be dealt with. Preferable sooner than later. It's not like I'll be lying or anything. If this cop marries Sam her attention is going to be divided between him and the base and that will be wrong on so many levels. She is a natural resource, if not a natural treasure, of our planet (hell even the galaxy) and therefore needs to be guarded against her own foolish decisions.

Number 2 (in case President orders me to go a see a shrink) -

First of all make a mental note to myself to never vote for that man again.

After seeing the shrink I'll come back to the base and contact the Tok'ra. Now they're not really our allies anymore but surely those snake-heads will understand if I tell them Jacob needs to come urgently due to some family crisis at home. Off course I'll have to use my authority to order Carter off-base. Will tell her to go and get a life or something, but…that's something I can worry about when the time comes.

Now how can Jacob be beneficial to me -

He's Sam's father and can order her not to marry stalker-Pete. Haha - bet Mr Shanahan never even suspected that I knew about that background check he did on Carter. Amateur!!!!!

Anyway to continue on the benefits of Jacob…

He's a Tok'ra and have access to some very nice weapons of mass destruction. Just the press of a small red button (or whatever those guys use in the place of red, jeesh talk about me being confused here) and let's just say no more Pete Shanahan.

If that doesn't work there's always Selmak. I can get Jacob to go and visit that cop and then Selmak can take over from there. Once that cop knows that his future father-in-law is an alien he'll surely run for his life and never look back again. All thoughts of his nauseating puppy love will be totally forgotten.

YES!!!!!

Number 3 (if neither Jacob nor Selmak wants to play nice) -

Note to myself…close iris next time just as Jacob steps through the Gate on his side to come and visit his two-timing daughter.

HAHA - just kidding.

Let's see…who else owes me a favour.

Well there's always the Goa'uld and especially Lord Yu. Lord Yu and the rest of those system lords owes me (okay Earth that is, but who's counting) a big…huge…GIGANTIC favour for having dealt with that 'I'm Anubus - you will obey me' psychopath.

Will tell those guys that I will deal with Ba'al if they promise to abduct and infest Mr Shanahan with one of their own.

Surely if Carter sees her future husband with glowing eyes she'll think twice about getting married? He'll probably arrive on her doorstep and introduce himself as Lord Pete.

Number 4 -

Okay, okay so number 3 was just plain stupid. I want Pete infested but with the luck I've been having these last few months Lord Pete will still be in love with Carter and just be so crazy as to try and abduct her to be his queen.

So what else is there…

General Hammond! Yes, there's always my good friend General George Hammond. He has so many contacts with the shadowy world of the good ol' USA and he has always been a fan of the idea of Carter and myself.

Okay, so maybe he'd never expressed it in so many words but I've seen it numerous times in his words and the way that he'd look at the both of us when he thought nobody was looking. After all he hinted at it that one time, when Sam was infected with that alien entity, that he knew how much I care about her.

But…

On the other hand I don't want him to get into trouble. If the worst happens and he gets arrested there'll be no-one left at the Pentagon to look after mine…oops I mean the base's best interests.

Damn.

Number 5 -

Threatening always helped.

Surely Mr Pete Shanahan (by the way what kind of surname is that?) will be scared if he was to be threatened with serious bodily harm if he doesn't stay away from Carter.

Right, will get Teal'c to go and pay him a visit.

Number 6 -

Begging…

Shaking his head Jack shook his head. There was no way that he would be able to sink so low as to beg Carter not to marry that cop. Neither would he be able to even put that on paper.

He had just drawn a line across the word when a knocking sounded on his door.

"Just a minute!" he called out loudly before hastily letting the piece of paper made a disappearing trick to the deepest, darkest corner of one of his drawers. He coughed slightly before calling out, "Come in!"

His eyes widened and all blood vanished from his face when he looked up and saw who was standing in the doorway.

"Carter? What ya doing here?" he questioned.

She said nothing at first. Just entered the office and walked a few steps until she stood directly across from him. Her eyes were red and swollen and her body was shaking ever so slightly.

Standing up Jack walked around the table until he was able to stand next to her. His one hand took on a life of it's own and came to rest on her shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong?" he inquired in what he hoped was an adequate caring, but yet professional, tone of voice. If it was up to him he would have engulfed her in the biggest, warmest hug that was possible, but the walls had eyes and ears. There was no way he could give in to his heart's desire.

She sniffed loudly and took a step backwards, letting his hand fell to his side, before replying, "I…I've told the whole gang and only you are left."

"Told me what?" he interrupted.

"Pete just phoned now. He…he's breaking up with me."

Forcing the jubilant emotions running wildly in his mind from being displayed on his face he said in a gentle tone, "I'm…I'm so sorry Sam. Maybe you should take the rest of the afternoon off? In fact I insist that you go home now."

Sniffing again she nodded her head in thanks, unable to speak suddenly, turned around and disappear out of his office without looking back once.

Jack stood upright for a few more minutes, staring at her retreating form, before going back to sit down on his chair. He appeared deep in thought for a few more seconds and then retrieved the pen and piece of paper he had worked on earlier.

Under his uncompleted number 6 he started writing in big bold letters:

HOW TO MAKE SAM A PERMANENT PART OF MY LIFE IN TEN EASY WAYS

1. Retire.
2. Let Carter retire.
3. Ask the President for a promotion to the Pentagon.
4. Ask the President to put Carter in charge of an off-world colony.
5. Retire?
6. Take on a civilian post at the base.
7. Convinced Carter to take on a civilian post at the base.
8. Retire??
9. Take Carter out on a date.

Jack nibbled on his pen for a while and smiled brightly before writing down his last number.

NUMBER 10

Before anything else go and visit Sam right now and tell her how much I love her.

TE

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