Sometimes, late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the light and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake in the morning,
Would she ever doubt
The way I feel about her in my heart?
~*~
She was so brave. He watched her quietly, unable to do anything but hold her hand tightly and squeeze it occassionaly. He didn't know what she was thinking as they lowered the coffin into the ground, but he saw the tears running down her cheeks. Tenderly he reached over and brushed them away, earning a startled look from her that soon disappeared as a sob choked in her throat and he gathered her in his arms.
She held onto him tightly, burying her head against his shoulder and clutching at his jacket with her strong fingers. As each gunshot was fired into the air, her body flinched, and he pulled her tighter against him. Was it wrong to notice the smell of her hair, the perfect fit of her body in his arms, at a time like this? Probably.
The echoes of the last shot hung in the air. He breathed in deeply, smelling the acrid scent of gun powder mingling with the fresh earthy smell of the ground that had just been rained on. Mostly though, he noticed her scent, and it taunted him.
"Sam?" He heard a stranger's voice, and looked up to see a younger man watching them warily.
She tensed in his arms, and struggled out of them, turning to face the man.
"Oh God, Mark!" She gasped, flinging herself at him and holding onto him tightly. "I didn't think you'd come." She sobbed, not letting him go either. Jack felt slightly bereft as she jumped out of his arms, her soft warmth leaving him open for the breeze to cool him.
"I couldn't not come." Mark whispered against his sister's hair. He pulled back and looked at her, studying the dark circles under her eyes, the tracks of mascara and the swollen abdomen. "And this is?" He looked pointedly at Jack who was standing awkwardly behind her with his hands in his pockets.
"Oh...where are my manners?" She tired to smile, stepping out of Mark's hold and back into Jack's, readying herself to continue the act. "This is Jack, Mark." She looked up at Jack hopefully, not seeing any hostilities in his face, and was relieved.
"Jack?" Mark waited.
"Jack O'Neill..." Sam started.
"Mom..." Cassie appeared from behind Jack, looking up at her. "Charlie's crying." She said simply.
"Where is he sweety?" Sam asked, instantly forgetting her brother and husband.
"Over there." Cassie pointed towards the trees in the distance. "Oh, Cassie, this is my brother, your Uncle Mark." She added nonchalantly, disappearing off into the direction Cassie had given her.
Jack looked at the young man, and felt sorry for a minute.
"She's got kids?" Mark gaped, astounded.
"Uh, don't forget the husband." Jack smiled slightly.
"You mean you're married?" Mark nearly laughed.
"Yeah. Have been for nearly five months." Jack couldn't keep the smile off his face. It was pretty incredible, being married to Sam, even if they didn't love each other.
"Oh...and the kids?"
"Well, Charlie's mine and Sam adopted Cassie when Cassie's Mom died in a car accident..." Jack trailed off, frowning slightly in confusion.
"And now she's pregnant?"
"Uh...yeah." Jack nodded.
"Oh." Mark took time and studied Jack. "You're military, aren't you?" He asked, realising it was a dumb question.
"Yeah. Colonel O'Neill." He nodded warily, aware of the sudden hostility in Mark's stance. "Used to be Sam's CO..." He continued.
"Used to be?" Mark narrowed his eyes, anger suddenly there. "Don't tell me you got her pregnant and she had to resign..."
"When was the last time you actually spoke to your sister?" Jack demanded suddenly, shock running through his system.
"When she got engaged to Jonas." Mark responded easily. "I want nothing more to do with the military." He stated bluntly.
"Oh. Well, since you neglected to keep informed with your sister's life, let me fill you in on a few things. She left Jonas because he beat her. She nearly died in a car accident, was in a coma for about two weeks. Then, just over seven months ago she had another car accident in which Cassie's mother died and Sam was put in another coma, for nearly a week. That's why she left the military, or didn't you notice the fact that she has a limp?"
"Jack." He froze as he heard Sam's quiet voice behind him. "I think you should go to your son and my daughter." She said calmly, her face completely void of emotion as she looked at him.
"Sam..." He faced her, horror rushing to his face as he realised she'd heard his outburst.
"Just go Jack." She said softly, refusing to let him touch her. She couldn't, not now, not after he'd just betrayed her to her brother like that.
"Okay." He glared once more at her brother and then left reluctantly to find his kids.
"So, now you know." Sam said simply, her clear blue eyes staring calmly into her brothers.
"I...I...why didn't you tell me?" Mark asked softly, shock in his eyes as he studied his sister. She was so different. She wasn't the way he remembered her; determined, happy, sparkling, friendly; open and loving. She was detatched now, a lot maturer and much, much more
guarded. What had happened to his sister?
"Why haven't you told me anything about your life for the past I don't know how long?" She countered softly. "Mark, I'm sick of fighting. Our Dad just died, I really don't want to fight." She sagged, her shoulders slumping.
"Sam...I..." Mark leaned forwards.
"Mark...I'm fine, okay?" She stepped backwards.
"No you're not. Does O'Neill hurt you?" He demanded suddenly, anger on his face.
"No, he doesn't hit me." Sam said neutrally, keeping her face bland. "He's the perfect gentleman."
"You're not happy though."
"No, I'm not happy Mark. Neither are you." She countered bluntly.
"What happened to you Sam?"
"Life. Life happened to me Mark. I suddenly realised that life isn't about flying rocket ships to the moon, earning medals, getting honour. It's about living, finding someone you love and being needed. It isn't some romantic fairy tale where you just keep dreaming and it all comes true." She said bitterly, a smile twisting her lips.
"You don't love him." Mark said simply. "It's a mission for you, to be married to him."
"No, it's not a mission to be married to him. We have a good marriage, Mark. A damn good marriage. If I could change things, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be a cripple, Dad wouldn't be dead and neither would anyone else I ever knew!" She shouted suddenly. "Who do you think you are, coming here and telling me how to live my life?"
"Sam..." Mark frowned, confused at Sam's behaviour.
"Look, I just want to go home, just put my feet up, have a good cry and then go to sleep, okay?" Sam held her head in her hands. "I have a headache now. I just want to go home." She whispered.
"Sam...please..." Mark watched as O'Neill apppeared from seemingly nowhere and put his arms around Sam. He watched as she leant into his offered embrace and just stood there, letting the man hold and comfort her.
"It's okay." Sam sniffed, not looking at him. "We just need some time, Mark, to realise we have unreal expectations of each other. As long as you can't stand the military, you can't stand me." She looked at him. "I loved my job, I really did. I loved being a part of something, knowing exactly where I stood and what my duties were. I loved being a part of something bigger and more important than me, knowing I was needed. It's a part of who I was, and as long as you
hate that part of me then we'll never love each other." She looked at him.
"I love you Mark, I really do, but this is the real world." She studied.
"Yeah." Mark licked his lips.
"Call me sometime, okay?" Sam said as Jack pulled her tighter against him.
"O'Neill or Carter?" Mark asked dumbly.
"O'Neill, with two L's." Both people responded simultaneously.
* * *
He found her, sitting on the roof. He hadn't been alone on the deck with her since that night they thought Daniel was gone. He swallowed and turned to leave, but for some reason changed his mind.
"Hey." He said softly, sitting down next to her.
"Hey yourself." She said softly, not moving or changing her position. He studied her, her eyes far away and the moonlight glinting off moist tracks on her cheeks where her tears had run.
"You okay?" He asked her, concern etched on his voice.
"Yeah, I'm fine now." She smiled hesitantly at him and then turned her attention back to the stars.
"So, what happened with your brother?" Jack asked hesitantly, watching her.
"Mark blamed the military for my Mom's death." She said simply, her detatched manner betraying her emotions. "When I got engaged to Jonas, he wouldn't have anything to do with me. We fought, traded insults and accusations. We haven't spoken to each other in years." She sighed.
"Or your Dad." He guessed.
"Yeah." She smiled bitterly. "I was wrong you know, my Dad wasn't such a bad guy." She sniffed slightly.
"At least you made up before..."
"Before he died. Yeah." Sam leant back against the wall. "It was tough, seeing Mark there." She continued, surprising Jack with her openness.
"It was?" He asked dumbly. She shot him a look.
"I didn't think he'd come. I wasn't ready for him." She added, huddling to herself again.
"That's okay." Jack consoled her.
"No, it's not. He's my brother Jack, I'm supposed to..."
"Sam, you're not superwoman, okay?" He touched her cheek lightly, caressing the smooth skin with his finger.
"I..." Sam licked her lips, forcing herself to break the contact with his finger. She couldn't deal with this as well now, this loveless marriage that was still so full of affectionate actions.
"Sam...I told you already, and I'll tell you again, I am there for you." He whispered, pulling back to himself.
"I know. Thank you." She smiled slightly at him, resting her forehead in her hands.
"You sure you're okay?" He asked her, peering at her pale face in the moonlight.
"It's just been a tough day. I've got a headache." She admitted, smiling ruefully. "Think I'll go to bed now." She accepted his support as she stood up slowly, getting her balance. "Thanks, I feel so off balance it's not funny." She grimaced resting a hand on their unborn chlid.
"You don't look off-balance." He told her sincerely. It was true, the pregnancy was obvious, but she looked very small for someone five and a half months pregnant.
"Yeah, right." She laughed, a genuine laugh. "I'm going to go now before I get too big to get down the ladder." She grimaced and disappeared from view. Jack stared at the empty space where she'd been standing, and then sighed as he leant back against the wall.
~*~
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I love her?
Did I try in every way
to show her ev'ry day
that she's my only one?
And if my time on earh were through
and she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
gonna be enough to last
It tomorrow never comes
~*~
Daniel grimaced, pushing reluctantly at the beans on his place. What on earth had possessed him to cook beans for dinner?
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'C said suddenly, studying him. "I do not believe I enjoy 'green beans'." Teal'C stated.
"Most people don't." Daniel grimaced again, putting his fork down.
"Then why prepare it for comsumption?" Teal'C questioned, copying Daniel and placing his fork on the plate.
"It's healthy. I've just been eating pizza lately, thought I better get something good into my system." Daniel shrugged, standing up. "So, what's it going to be? The regular or should be try something different?" He asked, picking up his phone.
"I wish for anchovies like O'Neill." Teal'C said promptly.
"Anchovies? Teal'C, you've got to be kidding."
"I am not. I enjoy anchovies." Teal'C deadpanned, raising an eyebrow.
"Okay, half anchovies, half olives." Daniel agreed, pressing speed dial button number seven.
While waiting for the pizza to arrive, Daniel and Teal'C gathered their plates and scratched the barely touched greenbeans into the waste bin.
"That was quick." Daniel commented as the doorbell rang. "Stay here." He instructed, throwing Teal'C a cap anyway.
He was wiping the remains of orange juice off his chin when he yanked the door open expecting to see a delivery man standing there.
"Sarah!" He gaped, staring at her in disbelief.
"Do you have any idea how hard you were to track down?" She asked him, not smiling as she studied him. He'd changed a bit, his hair was shorter and he was more tanned. Maybe he'd been working on a dig.
"I...uh...no." He blinked, stepping back and opening the door to let her in.
"Hi." She smiled slightly and stepped past him, clutching her belongings to herself.
"Uh, Teal'C, we've got company!" He called into the house as he led Sarah towards the loungeroom.
"Teal'C?" Sarah looked at him, raising a delicate eyebrow.
"Uh, yeah, a friend." Daniel managed before Teal'C stepped into view. "Uh, Teal'C, this is Sarah." he introduced the two of them, taking note of Sarah's curiously guarded expression and Teal'C's usual stoic expression.
"I am honoured." Teal'C dipped his head formally.
"Thank you. Pleased to meet you." Sarah also stated formally, her crisp English accent making Daniel smile slightly. He still loved the way she spoke, even after all this time. What had it been, nearly two and a half years now? No, just a bit less.
"So, what brings you here?" He asked after an awkward silence settled over them.
"Well, uh..." It was the first time Daniel heard Sarah stuttering, unsure of what to say. The doorbell chose that precise moment to ring, and chorusing along with the doorbell came the sigh of relief as Sarah was let off the hook.
"Anchovies or olives?" Daniel asked, setting the cardboard box down on the coffee table between them.
"Anchovies." Both Teal'C and Sarah said in unison.
"Ugh." Daniel curled his lips back in disgust, helping himself to a large slice with olives sprinkled over it.
"I see you're still not eating right." Sarah said disapprovingly after her first slice was finished.
"That is a mistaken observation. Daniel Jackson prepared us 'green beans' for dinner, however they were unappetising." Teal'C informed her, helping himself to another slice. "Pizza, on the other hand, is much more appealing." He took a bite.
"Oh." Sarah blinked, slightly surprised by his odd behaviour. "Well, yes. I came here to ask you something, Daniel." She said, turning businesslike.
"What would that be?" Daniel asked slowly, narrowing his eyes as he licked the last crumbs from his face.
"Well, remember when we..."
"Went out separate ways?" He offered mildly, not at all offended. Sha're had happened to him, how could he be angry at Sarah? It was such a long time ago.
"Yes." Sarah frowned, her eyes flicking towards Teal'C.
"Go ahead." Daniel understood her unease, but felt better with Teal'C there with him.
"Uh...there was something I neglected to tell you." She said, twisting her fingers nervously in her lap.
"What?" Daniel asked suspiciously, watching her. Why now, after all this time, had Sarah suddenly come to see him?
"Uh...I've just been offered the chance of a life time, Daniel, the opportunity to go and work first hand on some digs with Josef Callaghan...you do know who he is?"
"Of course." Daniel nodded impatiently.
"Sorry. Well, uh, these digs will probably last a few years, not just weeks, so I'm going to be out of the country for a long time."
"Yes?" Daniel waited patiently.
"So I was kind of wondering if you'd look after out daughter for us?" She looked at him hopefully.
"Beg your pardon?" Daniel didn't even blink.
"Her name's Chloe, Chloe Alexandra...She's eighteen months and absolutely adorable..."
"Wait a minute. You did say *ours* right? As in yours and mine?" Daniel thought he was doing pretty well, not losing his temper.
"Uh, yes." Sarah looked slightly shamefaced, he was happy to notice.
"And when were you intending on telling me about her?" He demanded, not moving. Teal'C shifted uncomfortably on his seat, realising that this probably wasn't the best of conversations to be witness too.
"Well...I don't think I would have because I didn't want you to feel responsible...but..."
"Sarah, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Daniel demanded, jumping to his feet. "You're telling me that all this time I've had a daughter you never even *thought* to mention to me? Not to mention let me at least be aware of her existence?" Daniel shouted.
"I knew you'd react like this!" Sarah stood up, yelling back. "Always yelling and losing your temper if you think something's wrong..."
"Something is wrong Sarah. You never told me I had a daughter. That's not like forgetting to mention you bought a pair of shoes, or I won a ten dollar lottery ticket...it's different!" He yelled.
"I'm telling you now, aren't I?" She shouted back.
"Only because you want me to look after her while you go and live your life!" Daniel yelled.
"So I take it you don't want her then?" Sarah sighed, sadness in her eyes.
"I didn't say that, Sarah." Daniel rubbed his face. "I don't want to look after her for a few months and then lose her again when you just decide to come back because you've had enough of digging around in the dirt." He told her pointedly.
"So what, if you take her now you want her for good?" Sarah asked softly.
"Yes." Daniel looked up at her. "You can see her, that's fine, but I don't want to just be someone she gets dumped on when you're too busy with your career."
"What about me? I don't live here in America..."
"That's tough. You're going to be traipsing all over the world with your career..."
"So are you?" She frowned.
"Uh...no, not exactly." Daniel shifted edgily. "Anyway, I'll have a permanent home here for her and you can come visit when you like..."
"So it's settled then?" Sarah asked, genuine sadness in her eyes.
"Sarah, why are you making this so easy? Why are you just giving me our child? Don't you even want to fight for her?" Daniel realised, horror as he watched Sarah.
"I did Daniel, I really did." She sighed, sitting down. "Heavens knows I don't want my child growing up thinking I didn't want her..."
"That's exactly it though. You don't want her." Daniel realised, anger shooting through him.
"No, that's not true. If I could, I would keep her."
"Why can't you?"
"My career..."
"Is more important." Daniel smiled slightly.
"What about you? Your career, your theories were more important to you than I was." She flung back. "Look at you now, you've completely faded away from the archeological community!" She accused.
"I'm happy Sarah. I have a permanent job doing something I love doing." Daniel said cryptically. "And yes, back then I was wrong. You're making the same mistake now I made back then." He sighed.
"No, I'm not." Sarah shook her head. "I'm not throwing my career away as well." She walked towards the door.
"So where is..."
"Chloe. She's in the car. Stephen's looking after her."
"Are you and him...?"
"No. We tried for a while, but let's face it. He wasn't you Daniel." Sarah smiled sadly.
"I'm sorry." Daniel said sincerely, following her to the door.
"I know. Me too." She smiled at him briefly before stepping into the cold air and disappearing towards the car. "But, what's done is done." She told him as she returned carrying her daughter and a bag with her.
"So this is it then? You just drop her off and leave?"
"It's so cruel, isn't it?" Sarah touched her daughters head gently before handing the soft warm body over into Daniel's arms. "This is it Daniel. I'll keep in touch, okay? Somethings just weren't meant to be - like you and me. I'm just not cut out to be a mother." She leant forwards and kissed him softly. "I still love you." She told him.
"I still love you too." He admitted. But, it was a different love. The love of a friend, a brother even.
"Bye sweety." She kissed Chloe's head and then was gone.
* * *
"So...where's Daniel?" Jack looked around the nearly empty briefing room.
"Don't know." Sam looked around as well. "Probably with Teal'C." She added, catching sight of the Jaffa's empty chair.
Jack smiled slightly as she reached down and touched her abdomen, a slight smile on her face.
"Active today?" He asked her tenderly.
"Just a bit." She smiled tightly, knowing the loving look in his eye wasn't directed at her, but rather at their child. That hurt a lot lately, knowing that the only reason they were married was because of this child, and the only reason this child existed was because of one
stupid mistake.
"Oh look, here come's Teal'C." Jack attempted to lighten the mood, realising that her thoughts had turned onto a depressing subject. He could do that a lot lately, he realised, know when she was upset or happy by just looking at her eyes.
"Hey Teal'C, where's Daniel?" Sam asked as the big Jaffa walked into the room.
"He is coming." Jack could have sworn he saw a smile of amusement lurking on Teal'C's lips.
"Oh?" Jack waited, eyebrows raised. "He's later than usual." He commented, hoping to draw out an explanation from the Jaffa before Hammond arrived.
"Good morning people." Hammond breezed into the room, smiling slightly to himself as he caught sight of O'Neill and Carter - why did he still think of her as Carter? - standing side by side and looking every inch the happily married couple. "Where's Dr. Jackson?" He peered around, not too much surprised by the man's absence.
"He is on his way." Teal'C said, taking his seat.
"He's here." Daniel's puffed voice reached their ears as he appeared in the room.
"With the day care I see." Jack raised an eyebrow at the child held awkwardly in Daniel's arms.
"Dr. Jackson?" General Hammond asked, surprised.
"Yeah, I had a little trouble at the checkpoints trying to get in with Chloe, sorry I'm late." Daniel dropped onto a seat, not letting go of his child.
"May I ask just who exactly Chloe is?" Jack questioned, studying Daniel.
"Oh, sorry, this is my daughter Jack." Daniel grinned up at Jack. "I have a daughter." He announced.
"And where did she come from?" General Hammond asked, shocked.
"Where do babies usually come from? Sir." Jack amended, casting a slightly apologetic look at Sam's amused smile.
"I *know* that, Colonel. Bear in mind, I do have two daughters." General Hammond returned pointedly. "What I'm asking is, where did she suddenly appear from?"
"Well, it's kind of a surprise really, I mean I didn't even know she existed until last night. Look at this Sam! She's smiling at me! Yes, isn't Chloe just so cute?" Daniel cooed.
"Uh, Daniel, babies really don't like treated like a dog." Jack said knowingly.
"That's not how you talk to a dog. More like a cat." Sam grinned mischieviously.
"Excuse me guys, I'm trying to bond with my daughter at the moment!" Daniel huffed. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to look after a kid like this, not to mention feed it?" He continued, ignoring the grins at his comment. "I mean, I would probably not have coped if
Teal'C hadn't been there. Do you know that you actually have to make the baby burp?" Daniel opened his eyes widely.
"Of course." Both Jack and Sam looked surprised.
"Oh." Daniel blinked. "Well, Teal'C's been helping me out..."
"Teal'C?" Jack blinked this time, staring at the big Jaffa in surprise.
"He does have a son, Jack." Sam reminded him pointedly.
"I suppose...still, I can't imagine Teal'C burping a baby." Jack shook his head at the image popping to mind.
"Uh...I guess not." Sam tried not to giggle.
"Excuse me people." General Hammond interjected wearily. "We are here for a reason you understand?" He stared pointedly at Jack.
"Sorry, Sir." Jack apologised humbly.
"Dr. Jackson, you are going on a mission in less than four hours..."
"What about Chloe?" Daniel realised, his eyes wide.
"What about her?" Jack looked at him.
"Who's going to look after her?" Daniel panicked, clutching the tiny child closer to himself.
"Uh..." Sam faltered as four pairs of eyes looked in her direction.
"Practice." Jack grinned.
"Please Sam?" Daniel cajoled, smiling at her hopefully.
"I don't know..."
"Cassie and Charlie will be home, won't they? They can help." Daniel suggested.
"Wait...I don't think that's such a good idea..." Jack cut in suddenly. "I mean, Sam is pregnant..."
"Sam is also here." Sam reminded them. "And she appreciates being spoken to."
"Sorry." Jack smiled at her. "As I was saying, you are pregnant and already having to look after Cassie and Charlie..."
"I'll only be for a few days Jack, I'll be fine." Sam shook her head, smiling.
"But..."
"But what?" She raised an eyebrow, daring further arguments.
"Your headaches?" He threw in helplessly.
"They're not that bad." Sam rolled her eyes.
"Have you been to see a doctor yet?" Daniel asked, concern on his features.
"No, it's just the pregnancy." Sam held her hands up. "I'll be fine okay? Besides, Mrs. Simpson is next door if I do run into trouble." She added.
"Okay. On one condition." Jack agreed.
"What?"
"You do what Daniel suggested and see a doctor ASAP, okay?" He looked at her firmly.
"Okay." Sam sighed, shaking her head slightly. "But they're just..."
"Ah!" Jack shook his head. "Now, if I remember, you were going to debrief us on something about something on this planet...P something...."
~*~
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance,
there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
~*~
Daniel studied Jack as the man attempted to light the fire. For the first time to Daniel's knowledge, Jack couldn't get the little pieces of tinder to burn.
"Here." Daniel pushed Jack out of the way and started building the little fire.
"You really suck at that." Jack sighed, watching the weak little flames smoke and threaten to die.
"You weren't doing any better." Daniel returned, sitting back with an eagle eye on his little fire.
"I guess not." Jack agreed, leaning back against a rock. "So."
"So?" Daniel raised and eyebrow, studying Jack discreetly. He looked edgy, agitated even. "What's wrong with you?" He asked pointedly, his eyes meeting Jack's and refusing to look away.
"Nothing, why?" Jack asked innocently, his own eyes suspiciously honest.
"Well…your wife is going to have a baby in a few months time…"
"Two and a half." Jack inserted smoothly, smiling slightly.
"And both of you refuse to admit you love each other…" Daniel continued as if Jack hadn't spoken.
"What?" Jack nearly choked on his own bitter laughter.
"Oh come on Jack, there has to be something between you. No way can you both fool everyone else with this act if it wasn't at least a little bit true." Daniel said smugly.
"Well, we've been fooling the whole world about the Stargate, haven't we?" Jack retorted, feeling his guard raise. "Besides, it's not so hard. We only really do it in front of people."
"Jack, admit it." Daniel rolled his eyes. "You are so worried about her…"
"She's not well Daniel, anyone can see that."
"No, not everyone can see that. You can see that because you know her. You're the one who's married to her, knows who she is. You can see she's not well because you love her!" Daniel stood up angrily.
"Oh. And just how do you know this?" Jack raised an eyebrow, keeping his face void of emotion.
"I was married, Jack." Daniel reminded him. "You're both fooling yourselves." He sighed, standing up. "Do me a favour Jack, when you get home and no one else is around, give her a kiss because it's what you want to do."
"I…" Jack blinked, surprise on his face.
"Wait, let me guess, you already do." Daniel asked hopefully.
"No." Jack shook his head, an odd little smile playing around his lips.
"Jack." Daniel sighed.
"Okay!" Jack held up hands up and jumped to his feet, suddenly angry as he stalked off towards Teal'C and the latest member of SG-1.
Daniel sighed. That was probably the closest admission he'd ever get from Jack until he and Sam sorted themselves out.
* * *
"Mark!" Sam started in surprise as she opened the front door.
"Hey, are you busy?" He asked hopefully, frowning slightly at the sound of a child crying in the background.
"Uh...no. I was just getting Chloe's bath ready...come on in." She offered, smiling up hesitantly at him.
"Chloe? I thought it was Cassie." Mark commented as he followed her through the house. It was strange seeing little signs of Sam all through the house, like the books in the hallway. He could tell she'd arranged them because of the way they went from large to small in complete disregard for hard and soft covers.
"It is Cassie, Chloe's a friend's daughter." Sam admitted picking up the crying girl as she entered the room. "Chloe, this is Mark." She introduced them.
"Mummy!" Chloe screamed, pushing away from Sam's frame with her small little fists.
"When's her Mom coming back?" Mark asked, feeling sorry for his sister as her pained face stared up helplessly at him.
"I don't think she is." Sam said carefully. "Daniel's actually gotten me to look after her until he gets back."
"Daniel?"
"Daniel Jackson...a friend." She paused again, giving him that *look*.
"What?" He asked her, absently reaching over and holding the child's arms for her.
"Thanks. What do you mean 'what'?" Sam asked him, pulling a T Shirt over Chloe's head.
"You have that look on your face..."
"What look?"
"I don't know. Checking to see if I bought your story." He studied her carefully.
"What story?" Sam frowned, surprised.
"Never mind." He grinned suddenly. "I missed you." He told her.
Sam was horrified to feel the tears pricking at her eyelids. "Damn hormones." She tucked Chloe's arms through the shirt.
"Sam?" Mark studied her as she furiously wiped the tears away.
"I missed you too." Sam admitted. "And these damn hormones are making me so emotional..." She trailed off.
"Liar." Mark touched her cheek softly. "I...I don't want to do that again." He said sincerely.
"Do what?" Sam asked, confused.
"Live as though I don't have any family. Sam, you're my sister." He sighed, frustrated. "I mean, look at you. You've nearly died twice in the last couple of years, broken off an engagement, gotten yourself married, have a whole family and now you've got a baby on the way."
He paused, unsure. "I..."
"I know." Sam touched his hand softly, her eyes misting again as she watched him. "I was hurt, Mark. Really hurt."
"I know. I'm sorry, you do know that right?" He held her fingers tightly, his eyes willing her to understand.
"Can I ask you something?" Sam bit her lip, chewing on it.
"Sure." He waited.
"Why wouldn't you forgive him?" Sam whispered.
"I...it was his fault, Sam." Mark said helplessly.
"No, it wasn't just his fault. It was that drunk's fault for being drunk as well. It was Mom's fault in a way for not understand him or trying too..."
"Sam, I don't want to hear this!" Mark cut in, letting her hands drop.
"No, you've got understand Mark." Sam shook her head, turning to look at Chloe who was now happily playing with her dolls in a corner. "Dad is...was only human." She hiccuped slightly as the words passed over her lips. "He made mistakes too. Don't you think he blamed himself?"
"I...Sam, it's over." Mark shook his head angrily, pacing around the room.
"No, it's not over. You expect me to forgive you because you've got a grudge. If you can't get over your grudge, how can you expect me to forgive you?" Sam shook her head sadly.
"What is it with you? You never used to be this philosophical."
"I never used to be pregnant either." Sam smiled drily. "Stop changing the subject." She added half-heartedly.
"What's wrong?" Mark pounced instantly.
"It's nothing. Just a headache." She waved her hand slightly, sinking down onto the couch and holding her head between her hands.
"Are you sure?" Mark watched her, concern on his face. "I mean, I know you're gonna get headaches because you're pregnant, but this bad?" He studied her anxiously.
"I'm going to the doctors tomorrow." Sam smiled up wanly at him.
"Why not now?"
"Because I have three kids who need looking after right now. Cassie and Charlie are going out with Mrs. Simpson - our nextdoor neighbour - tomorrow, so I'll just have Chloe with me." Sam licked her lips.
"What about your husband?" Mark narrowed his eyes.
"He's on a mission at the moment...Mark!" Sam snapped as her brother's face revealed his anger.
"He's gone on a mission, leaving you home with three children when he *knows* you're getting these headaches and you're pregnant!" He snapped.
"I told him to go. He didn't want too..."
"What kind of a friend would dump his child on you anyway just because he happens to be away as well..." Mark continued, staring pointedly at Chloe.
"Mark, you shut up right now and listen to me or you can just leave as well. I really don't need this right now!" Sam yelled, standing up and clutching at her head as the pain escalated.
Why was he here? It was obvious he wasn't ready to forgive the 'military' for what it had done to them.
"Sam?" Charlie appeared through the doorway with Cassie in tow.
"Hey." She smiled weakly, sitting back down.
"You okay?" Charlie studied her and then looked at the man in the room with her.
"This is my brother, Charlie. Mark, this is Charlie." She introduced them, watching as they sized each other up. She knew Charlie had heard the argument she'd had with Jack the day after the funeral, when he'd said she should go and see Mark.
"Mom, what's wrong?" Cassie asked, coming up to Sam and touching her arm lightly.
"Have you got another headache?" Charlie demanded suspiciously.
"It's fine honey. Why don't you guys go get us all a cup of coffee..."
"Tea." Charlie shook his head. "Dad said you're only allowed to have tea."
"He's not here now Charlie..." Sam sighed.
"So?" Charlie watched her expectantly.
"Okay. Why don't you go and get Mark a coffee, you two a hot chocolate and a *tea* for me?" She smiled hopefully.
"On one condition." Charlie inserted smoothly, grinning at her.
"What?"
"You go to the doctors tomorrow, like you promised." He studied her.
"I will!" Sam held her hands up. "What is it with all of you guys?" She leant back in the couch, closing her eyes slightly.
"You promised." Charlie reminded her, disappearing out of the room.
"Cassie, why don't you get some games out or something?" Sam turned to her daughter.
"Okay." Cassie hopped up and disappeared out of the room.
"So what are you doing tonight?" Sam watched her brother warily, trying to ignore the aching pain in her head.
"Nothing." He shrugged. "I'm catching a flight back tomorrow afternoon..."
"Why don't you hang around here for a while then? Get to know my kids." Sam suggested.
"Sure." Mark looked slightly uneasy.
"It's a truce for now Mark, but we're going to have to sort this out." She sighed, closing her eyes as she leant back into the couch.
"We will. I promise." Mark sat down opposite her. "So, Cassie, how about you and me against Sam and Charlie?" He grinned as the girl walked in carrying a pile of boardgames.
"Okay." She smiled hesitantly and set the boards on the floor. "Monopoly!" She announced.
"Here we go." Sam sighed, grinning.
~*~
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I love her?
Did I try in ev'ry way
To show her ev'ry day
That she's my only one?
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be eonugh to last
If tomorrow never comes?
~*~
Sam studied the white wall nervously. Why were walls like this always white? Either white, grey or that really sickly green colour that she didn't even think mould had done crime enough to be.
"Mrs. O'Neill?" A voice startled her out of her thoughts. She licked her lips, smiled tightly and followed the dark woman through the corridors.
A whole heap of little worms were wriggling around in her, making her feel even more queasy than she usually did this time of day. Why was she nervous? There was nothing wrong with her. She was fine....wasn't she?
"Good morning." She smiled nervously at the Dr. What was his name again? Stephens, that's it, Dr. Stephens.
"Hi yourself." He smiled at her. Not good, that smile *really* wasn't good. Oh God. What was wrong with her? Nothing. Absolutely nothing wrong with her, other than the fact that she was pregnant - nearly six and a half months.
"So." She raised her eyebrows, surprised at the steadiness of her own voice and the cheerful note she managed to push into it.
'Oh, come on Sam, stop kidding yourself. You know something's wrong, that's why you're so nervous. That's why you've been putting this off - you *know* that something is wrong.'
"Would you like to sit down?" He pointed to a chair.
When they asked you to sit...then you know.
"Thanks." She smiled again. A firm kick from her baby brought forth a gasp which he immediately questioned with a raised eyebrow. Smiling at him slightly she touched her stomach so he'd know, and she was scared to see a very sorrowful smile tinging his lips. Oh God, please, no.
"Uh...Okay, let's see now. Where would you like me to start?" He shuffled his papers. Lots of papers, looked like some of those X-ray's and scans he'd taken the other morning. Uh oh.
"At the beginning." She said promptly, glancing at her wrist-watch. "Is this going to take long?" She licked her lips.
"Well...it's not going to take five minutes..."
"I'm really going to have to get home soon." She licked her lips again.
"Mrs. O'Neill...Sam." It was his voice, the way he said her name that made her pause.
"It's bad, isn't it?" She slumped in her seat, holding her throbbing head in her hands.
"Yes." He met her eyes steadily.
"How bad?" She asked softly, closing her eyes and licking her lips again.
"You have a brain tumour..." He started off.
Her eyes flew open, not shocked, not horrified, just a sad acceptance.
"You knew, didn't you?" He felt respect in him for this woman, her strength.
"No, I guessed." She looked at the desk between them and then met his eyes.
"How long?" He asked her softly.
"A few months." She shrugged. "I don't know, not sure really. I thought it was the pregnancy at first, but they got worse." She shook slightly.
"There are options..."
"I'm not doing anything to hurt my baby." She told him firmly, her eyes calm.
"I didn't think you would." He put the papers down.
"How serious is it?" She needed the facts now, he realised that. From what Jacob had told him about his daughter, he knew she'd sort through them and then come to her decision. The month or two before Jacob died, he'd gotten to know her pretty well. She was smart, very smart.
"If, if we were to start you on Chemo now, or radio therapy, then we'd have a pretty good chance at beating this thing..."
"But because I won't do those by the time I have this baby it will be a no win situation." She realised, finishing for him.
"I'm sorry." He said sincerely.
"Hey, it's not your fault." She shrugged, her blue eyes studying the desk again, resting on his family portrait. "I...I didn't think that I'd die this way. This slowly." She said softly, smiling bitterly.
"No?"
"No. I always thought I'd go in combat." She admitted.
"You were military, weren't you?" He sat back in his chair, understanding her need to talk.
"Yeah. Nearly my whole life." She agreed. "My work...it was very dangerous." She revealed, and he was surprised. What work? Even Jacob hadn't known exactly what she was doing. "Is this a hereditary thing or..."
"No, I don't think so." He shook his head. "It's a possibility that the head injuries you suffered before hand - the coma's - play a large part in this. I'm not sure though, but it doesn't look like a hereditary thing." He admitted, watching the pain flash briefly through her eyes.
"So how long do you give me?" She asked eventually, breaking the silence between them.
"It's hard to say. I'd say six months, a year at best." He admitted gently.
He watched as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, steadying herself.
"I...I don't want my kids to grow up without a Mom." She whispered, her eyes large with unfilled tears as she looked at him. "I...I needed my Mom, and she wasn't there." She gulped, visibly gathering her emotions.
"Sam...your Dad talked to me quite a bit about you and Mark...your lives..."
"He told you he sucked as a Dad?" She asked, smiling slightly despite her tears.
"Yeah."
"He did, you know. He felt so guiltly, and Mark and I blamed him so much..." She shuddered slightly. "I was wrong though. I'm happy...happy we made our peace before he...he..."
"It's not going to be like that for your kids." He said gently.
"It's not?" Sam blinked, confused.
"I've met your husband Sam, I know Jack nearly as well as I know you. He loves your kids more than anything...he'll look after them." He leant over and touched her hands reassuringly.
"I know he will. I don't doubt that for an instant." Sam said sincerely, her thoughts wandering to her husband, to Jack. "That's why we're married." She added, surprised at her confessing this to a relative stranger.
"What? Because he loves kids?"
"No. Jack and I actually disliked each other. Hated would probably be a better word for it." Sam smiled slightly, remembering the thoughts and anger that used to play through her, and felt ashamed of them. "We uh, we clashed. Badly actually." She laughed slightly this time. "Then Charlie's Mom died, and things got worse. Only, Charlie sorted 'adopted' me to be his fill-in Mom, so I was there all the time. It was hell, trying to be civil to the man in front of his
kid." She paused, frowning slightly.
"Then I had my accident and Cassie lived with him and Charlie while I recovered. Then, against my better judgement, they moved me in with the three of them." She stopped for a while.
"It wasn't that bad, come to think of it. I still resented him because of the way he treated me, and I didn't know how to relate to him, but he was so damn *nice* to me..."
"You fell in love?" Dr. Stephen's asked softly.
"What?" Sam snorted. "No! No way." She shook her head, laughing slightly. It was an odd laugh, she realised, very bitter. "No. We both had a bit much to drink one night - thought a best friend had died and just did the 'comfort' thing without thinking about it. That pretty much ended the hatred thing but we still weren't friends. Just civil to each other." Sam was mildly amused to notice that the doctor wasn't all that shocked, just more surprised.
"Anyway, things turned out and I realised I was pregnant. The once, and look what happened." She sighed. "So, Jack did the honourable thing and proposed. I would have said no, only he threw Cassie, Charlie and the unborn child into my face, saying they needed a stable family environment to grow up in. So we got married." Sam shrugged simply, watching him.
"And that's it?" Dr. Stephens asked, confused.
"That's it. We act well, don't you think?" She smiled bitterly. "The thing is, I love him now." She sighed, leaning back in her chair. "And I kept wishing, hoping, that maybe he...it doesn't matter now, does it?" She sat up straight again. "I'm going to die in a few months anyway, so it's probably better that there's not *really* anything between us." She stood up slowly.
"Sam..." Dr. Stephens stood up as well. "Maybe we should talk..."
"You know, I don't even know why I told you that. Actually, yes I do. If I told Daniel that then he'd be on my back about getting things into the open with Jack because it's too late. I told you because you can't say anything to me, you can't say anything to Jack and you can't force me." She stated, gathering her bag.
"Sam..."
"Please, don't say anything to anyone. I'll be in to see you again and discuss my 'options'." Her hand rested on the doorhandle.
"Are you going to tell them?" He asked.
"No." She shook her head. "Not yet. They'll just worry..."
"Sam..."
"Don't. It's my choice."
"I was just going to give you these." Dr. Stephens stood up, holding two pieces of paper.
"What are they?" She asked suspiciously.
"Prescription for some painkillers." He told her. "And my number. I want you to call me if you need *anything*, okay?"
"Thank you." Her eyes misted over and she hugged him, thanking him for his understanding.
"You're just like your father." He told her softly. "He didn't want to tell anyone either, and he was wrong. Just think about that, okay?"
"Okay." She agreed, her voice catching in her throat as she slipped out of the room.
~*~
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
~*~
FINIS!!!
PART SEVEN: Live
Story Notes: Choices We Make_06: AUTHORS NOTES: So help me, this is *really* starting to drag out now. Taking way too long...if it wasn't for Suds' constant NAGGING then I probably wouldn't even be THIS far!!
And Jo, for also beta-ing it and putting up with my wierd assed moods and emails!!
And Jo, for also beta-ing it and putting up with my wierd assed moods and emails!!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]