It was raining outside, not particularly heavily but enough for its irregular patter on the tent roof to keep him awake. Around him, semi-silence reigned. He could hear Jonas' breathing through sleep, not quite snoring, but almost. Teal'c was outside at the camp perimeter, having relieved O'Neill himself from a watch less than two hours previously. Carter lay next to him now, her breathing that of the battle trained, shallow, slight, almost silent.
It wouldn't usually bother Jack to be sleeping next to Carter. They'd done it enough times over the last six years, after all. A few years ago, when their emotional dam had broken and left them both shattered in it's wake, they had taken a silent mutual decision to place as many physical barriers between them as possible. Daniel was a prime choice, never seeming to notice that his two friends took pains to sleep either side of him on overnight missions. Teal'c, having been present at their tortured confessions at the hands of the Tok'Ra device, probably had more of a clue as to their intent, but wisely said nothing.
Then Daniel had...ascended, and everything had been different. They were diminished, suddenly, irrevocably. What had been equal was immediately uneven, three where they should have been four, incomplete where they should have been a team. Then Jonas had come along, and they had slowly started rebuilding the balance, but it was different somehow, and not only because of the events surrounding the frozen woman, because of his pain and terror at Ba'al's hands...
Since then, on missions lasting longer than a day, she had always slept next to him, though she'd never made any comment about it. He'd just wake up and find her there, never less or more than a foot away. Jack wasn't even sure if it was for his sake, though he took it like a comfort to a dying man. They'd never really spoken, alone, just the two of them, about his ordeal at the hands of that system lord, but O'Neill knew her well enough to know that Carter had blamed herself for asking him to take the symbiote.
He couldn't tell her that the reason he'd agreed to take the snake was not because of her plea...
>
...but because he'd opened his eyes and looked at her, and couldn't bear the thought of never opening his eyes to her face again.
But that was a while ago now, and though he couldn't pretend that he didn't still wake with the dreams, they didn't keep him sleepless as they used to do. Yet she had continued to place her bed roll next to his, and no one ever commented about it, and usually Jack didn't even think twice about crawling in through the tent's opening and collapsing by her side after a late watch.
It was just that tonight, for some reason, Jack was more aware of her closeness than usual. Fingers of palpable heat clutched at his heart as he stared at the sloping tent roof, hearing the patter-patter-pat of the rain, watching the very faint lines that drew themselves after the sliding droplets in the faint light from the moon and Teal'c's camp light outside. He could feel her there, feel her presence as if it were a fire burning only a foot away, warming him, keeping him alive.
She was there, she was right there. If he turned onto his side, he would be able to see her sleeping features, and he knew what they would look like by heart. The slight parting of her lips, the flicker of her eyelids as she dreamt. Her hair, untidy in sleep, scattered across her sleeping bag, the strands separating as she moved.
Tonight, instead of providing the simple comfort of silent companionship, those images lit him with a fire that he was finding uncharacteristically difficult to stamp out. After all, having to deal with the problem of his physical attraction to her had been a part of their relationship from day one and it had yet to seriously trip him up. Yet tonight, having her so close in slumber was an eroticism he was finding hard to ignore. Just the thought that she was so close, so vulnerable in her sleep, so warm and so relaxed... Jack longed just to reach out, run his fingers along her jawline and down her neck. To touch her as he had never done, could never do.
Resolutely, he stared at the ceiling, trying to quell the gnawing need that was growing in his gut. He tried to pinpoint the reason for his suddenly rampant desire, but couldn't imagine what had sparked it besides the possible final boiling over of something constantly denied but constantly increasing in potency.
He lay there for a long time, wrestling with himself, wrestling with the needles of heat that reached out to him from her sleeping form, beckoning him closer. Eventually, O'Neill decided that lying there was doing nothing to ease his discomfort - or lessen his desire. He should get out of there, he told himself, go see what Teal'c was doing, take a calming walk in the incessantly cold rain.
Shifting, O'Neill rolled over with the simple intent of getting out of the tent, but he was transfixed as his eyes fell on her form, slim even in the almost-darkness of the tent.
From the partial shadows on her face, her blue eyes pierced the darkness, skewering him as her gaze rested firmly on his face. His heart leapt into his mouth, hammering as he realized she was awake. The intensity of her gaze seemed to rival the feelings that he had been struggling with for the past hours and he was completely unable to look away. One of her hands rested on the ground between them as if she had been in the act of reaching out to touch him as he moved to get up.
"You're awake." He whispered, still unable to break eye contact.
"I heard you come in."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's ok. It always happens."
"Always?"
She nodded, still staring at him, and Jack realized that the arm that wasn't stretched out between them was curled under her head as a cushion.
"Why didn't you say something?"
"I don't mind. I usually drift off again when you've settled down and gone to sleep."
"How do you know when I'm asleep?"
"Your breathing. That's how I knew you were awake tonight."
He frowned at the unintentional intimacy that her statement implied.
Her eyes didn't leave his face as he glanced towards Jonas' solidly sleeping form.
"What were you thinking about?"
"How do you know I was thinking anything?"
"Weren't you?" She questioned, shifting a little. Rising up on her elbows, an inch or two closer.
"It was nothing worth repeating."
O'Neill could see her lips curving in a smile, glancing away as she lay back down again. For a moment Jack thought she had shut her eyes, but suddenly Carter flicked her gaze back up again to his face, and he was almost sure what he saw there was desire. He had the strangest feeling that this exchange was taking place in a dreamland somewhere, outside the figment of reality that they all inhabited. His desire was still there, magnified by the sight of her neck beneath him, pale in the darkness, and her eyes that met his so unflinchingly.
"What were you thinking?" He asked her in turn, trying to disguise the desire-sodden rasp that had thickened his whisper. He could almost feel her skin under his fingers, the warmth of her body next to his.
"I was wondering why you couldn't sleep."
He nodded; it was a perfectly reasonable answer. It just belied what he thought was shining in her eyes right now, the intense heat that she was giving off with a simple gaze.
"So, why couldn't you sleep?" Carter persisted.
"I don't know," he answered as truthfully as he could. "Something's just...off.'
"With the planet?"
"No..." he trailed off, realizing that he had nothing with which to qualify his statement except the unutterable truth. I want to touch you, I want to feel your skin under mine... "It's not the planet. I think we're safe - I just...can't sleep, I guess."
"I couldn't either. I was hoping..." She did flick her eyes away then, and her face contorted slightly in an embarrassed grimace.
"You were hoping what?"
"Nothing." Now she was definitely avoiding his eye line.
He watched her for a long time, until her gaze was strong enough to raise back to his.
"What are we doing?" He asked, a question only half directed at Carter.
"Sorry, sir, I should..." she made to move, interpreting his mutter as an accusation of impropriety. He grabbed her arm before she could go anywhere.
"Don't move. And for god's sake, don't call me sir."
Carter lay down again, watching him with startled, trapped eyes.
O'Neill didn't know why the burning he felt whenever he was close to her would not now be dissuaded, or why he'd stopped her moving away and out of harm's reach. Jack just knew he wanted to touch her. Still. He still wanted to run his fingers over her face, to know her by touch as well as by heart.
"I want to touch you," he whispered, watching the way her eyes widened at first in surprise and then to enclose the desire that was multiplying in their depths.
Carter didn't move, but he could hear her breathing deepen as he reached out to touch her face. Just one finger, starting under the unruly hair at her temple and sliding down, along her cheekbone to her lips. Another finger to take in their fullness, the soft skin and the crackling heat as she parted them slightly and he felt her breath across his fingertips, and then her lips closing on his fingers.
His breath stopped, involuntarily, frozen in his throat at the sight of her lips, wrapped around the tip of his fingers. He couldn't have stopped himself moving towards her then if his life had depended on it. He moved, slipping one arm around her waist to press her closer...
Suddenly Jonas snored for real, and Carter froze like a deer caught in headlights. Her eyes became even larger, sucking in all the meager light available in the murky darkness of the tent. She moved away, even though it was obvious that Jonas had not awoken. The shock in her eyes was evident. Their bubble of other-reality was shattered, and Jack realized with a sick feeling in his stomach that she just couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Turning away, she shook his hand from her shoulder, and he didn't try and stop her rising to her knees and making for the tent opening. In a few seconds Carter was gone, the tent flap waving in the breeze she left behind as his heart struggled to come to terms with his sudden singularity.
Lying back, Jack sighed to himself and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to make his pressing lust dissipate. The memory of her soft lips against his fingers was haunting in a way that recalled heat, not cold, and her huge eyes stared at him from the inside of his eyelids.
It wasn't going away. With a sigh, Jack realized that what he really needed was a breath of fresh air. But he couldn't go outside - Sam was already out there, and Teal'c was standing watch...if they both suddenly appeared out of the tent, flushed as they were, the Jaffa would know something was up.
Jack stood it until he could stand it no more. Crawling out of the tent, he breathed in the chill air in relief. Teal'c turned to watch him approach the dwindling camp fire.
"O'Neill."
"Teal'c," Jack nodded back, moving to stand next to his friend.
"Are you also having trouble sleeping?"
Jack grimaced, "Yeah, something like that. Carter came out, didn't she? Where's she gone?"
"Major Carter indicated that she required space to carry out some ablutions..."
"Oh. Right."
"She will be back shortly. She seemed...disturbed."
"Yeah - so am I." O'Neill cleared his throat, "You don't feel anything, Teal'c?"
"'Feel anything', O'Neill?"
"About the planet, I mean? No jitters? No creepies? No misgivings, no -"
"No."
"Ah. Ok."
They stood there for several seconds, in silence, as Jack wrestled with himself.
"Ok. Which way did she go?"
Teal'c raised his left arm. Jack flicked a glance at him, but all he saw on his team-mates face was studied indifference.
"Be right back," he muttered, heading in the direction Teal'c had indicated.
Pushing his way through the forest undergrowth, O'Neill wondered what in the hell he was doing. Not only had he just (or near as damn it) announced to Teal'c that something very unprofessional was going on - or about to go on - between himself and his second-in-command, but he was also being completely remorseless about the fact and seemed to be willing to push it even further... Maybe there was something in the air of this planet. Maybe he'd gone temporarily nuts, maybe...
There she was. Standing in the light of the moon, below a wide branched tree beside the river they'd crossed only a few hours ago. Cater seemed to be staring into space, or watching the native nocturnal birds that were flitting from tree to tree.
He stopped as soon as he saw her, a sudden beat of unease accompanying the incessant thrum of desire. But the moonlight, so unlike the silver light of home, touched her hair with gold and softened her profile as she stared out over the water. She looked as beautiful as he had ever seen her; beautiful and peaceful. And he wanted her. Utterly.
Helplessly, he took a step closer and saw her stiffen as she heard his footfall. But she didn't look around, or try to leave. She just stood there, staring out across the gold-tinted water as the night's rain dripped from the trees that surrounded them. It was the only sound. That and his breathing, fast and shallow.
"Where's Teal'c?" Her soft words pierced the stillness and stopped him in his tracks, three feet or more from her.
"Still on watch."
She nodded, and sighed out a long breath. "You shouldn't have come out here."
"I know," he answered, but made no move to leave. Slowly she turned, her arms hanging limp at her sides as her eyes met his. The desire he'd glimpsed in the tent hadn't dissipated, although it was overlaid by a sadness he'd never seen before. But it looked old and well-worn, a familiar melancholy. "I'm sorry." His words were instinctive; he didn't really know for what he was apologizing, just that every instinct urged him to ease her unhappiness.
Her expressive eyes blinked slowly, but she didn't move. "It's difficult," she admitted at last. "Sometimes it's so difficult."
"Yeah," he agreed, still motionless. Flooded with desire. "That doesn't even begin to describe it."
Her tongue flickered over her full lips, drawing his heated gaze to her mouth and spiking the memory of her lips on his fingertips. God, how he wanted to kiss her, to feel her mouth soften beneath his. To touch her...
"I want you to touch me."
The words scorched through the night air like a lightening strike. His eyes leapt to hers, locked there by the confession. And from deep within he felt himself start to tremble; the first tremors of a volcano. Deep, powerful and relentless. He took a step forward. And she didn't retreat, although her eyes widened and darkened. In the moonlight they seemed as black as his own, glinting with a heat he longed to release.
Another step. Close enough now, to do as she wanted. To touch her. But he hesitated on the brink, his military mind flashing a myriad different images through his head. Hammond, trusting them. The dangers of an unknown planet. Teal'c, guarding the camp and their secret. Jonas, sleeping, oblivious. Jacob. Sara. Charlie. Betrayed trusts, betrayed duty. And all the while his eyes sank further into hers, and his heart raced against reason, accompanied only by the incessant beat of his desire, and hers; a mutual drive that fed and grew, one upon the other.
It was wrong. And they both knew it.
But that didn't change a thing.
Slowly, he reached out again and touched his fingertips to her face. Her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling in quick, sharp breaths as he trailed his fingers through the hair behind her ear and down again to her jaw. She swayed slightly and murmured, "More."
He almost smiled, but the moment was too intense. Instead, he locked the fingers of one hand in the hair at the back of her head, while the other arm slipped around her waist and tugged her firmly towards him. She came willingly, pressing her lean figure against his hard, demanding body. Head to toe contact, that even through clothing left nothing to the imagination as he tipped her head backwards and crushed a kiss against her willing lips. Neither tender nor romantic, their passion-soaked tryst was pure desire. And it flooded well beyond the kiss, as Jack's hands slid under her jacket and t-shirt to the heated skin beneath and she moaned softly in response.
Lost in each other, they stumbled backwards until she was pressed against the rough bark of the tree. All thought had flown as he crushed her against the tree and she tugged hungrily at his jacket. "Oh God," she whimpered, the words escaping through swollen kisses. "Oh God..."
He tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend that he hadn't heard it. But even through the scorching heat of his desire, something deeper demanded that he listen. Despair. Regret. Shame. Fear. They were all in her voice; he knew her too well.
Even as her fingers slid across his back, the skin-on-skin contact making him shiver, he knew what he had to do. Even as his lips caressed her neck, brushing across her fluttering throat, he knew he had to stop. It wasn't right. Not here. Not now. Not like this. But it was so difficult to stop. So very, very difficult.
Breathing heavily, unable to move away, he brought a hand to either side of her head and held her still as his forehead came to rest against hers. He sucked in a deep breath, eyes closed, and waited for the desire to abate and reason to reassert itself. He had to stop. For her sake, he had to stop.
After a moment he felt her fingers on his hands. They were shaking. "Sir...?"
"I'm sorry," he managed to say at last. "Carter, I'm so sorry."
Her hands slid along his arms, around his shoulders, and before he knew it she'd pulled him into a tight embrace. Like a burst dam, the incessant desire that had plagued him all night flooded away, leaving him wrung-out and exhausted. He let his arms slip around her, holding her close, as a sickly lump of remorse rose in his throat.
"That was stupid," she whispered raggedly, her breath warm against his ear. "Really, really stupid."
"Yeah," he agreed, still hugging her tight. "I'm sorry."
"Me too."
He pulled away, just far enough to be able to see her face. Her wide eyes were still dark, but the desire had faded, replaced by an aching sadness. He saw loneliness there, regrets, and hopelessness. And his heart crumpled. Reaching up, he touched her cheek. A gesture of comfort and love, but devoid of the hunger he'd felt before. "One day," he promised. It was all he could offer her.
She nodded. "I know."
And then she reached up and kissed him softly on the lips. Carefully he returned the kiss, but pulled away before the tingle of desire in the pit of his stomach could flare into life once more. Sighing out a long breath, he stepped backwards and away from her. "Stay here for a while," he advised. "I'll go find Teal'c."
Silently she nodded, offering a half-smile of mingled regret and relief. But she didn't speak, simply turned around and stared once more out across the moon-touched water. Jack let himself fix the image in his mind for a long moment, before he too turned away and headed through the forest towards the camp.
***
O'Neill did not try to disguise his return, and Teal'c heard his familiar footsteps from some distance away. The tread was slow, pensive, and when O'Neill emerged from the trees he seemed lost in thought.
But he stopped, his gaze silently rising to Teal'c's. That something had occurred was clear from the intent expression on his friend's face. What it was, Teal'c had no wish to know. Their silent gaze held until O'Neill gave a brief nod, an acknowledgement and thanks all in one. "Go get some more rest," he said then, approaching the fire and crouching down opposite Teal'c. "I'm still not tired."
From the drained look on the man's face, Teal'c doubted his words. But he knew better than to attempt to argue. Rising fluidly to his feet, Teal'c was about to do as the colonel suggested when another disturbance in the trees revealed Major Carter.
She stopped when she entered the clearing, her eyes darting from O'Neill to Teal'c and back again. The silence was excruciating. She clearly had no idea what had or had not been said between them. "Colonel O'Neill has volunteered to take the remainder of the watch," Teal'c offered, indicating the tent. "I was about to meditate."
Carter nodded, her lips pressing into a tight line. But O'Neill didn't look up from the fire as he said, "I'll get the coffee on in an hour. Go get some z's Carter."
"Yes sir," came the quiet reply. And without another word, she moved towards the tent and slipped inside.
O'Neill said nothing, but Teal'c didn't miss the heavy sigh that escaped his lips nor the frown that creased his brow. He wished he had some words of comfort to offer his friend, but in truth there were none. And yet he could not bring himself to leave. After a moment, his presence drew O'Neill's gaze. "You waiting for something?"
Teal'c considered, then sat down again. His eyes were fixed on the unhappy face of his friend. "You do not walk an easy path, O'Neill."
The frown intensified. "It's the only one I've got."
"A lesser man would have turned back. Or left the path," Teal'c observed. "Or a lesser woman."
O'Neill nodded slowly. "I guess."
"The Jaffa believe," Teal'c continued, "that the harder the path, the greater the reward. True happiness cannot be achieved without struggle."
Another nod, this one accompanied by a raised eyebrow. "You believe that too?"
"I do."
O'Neill gave a little shrug as he sat up straighter. "You sound like my Dad," he grumbled.
Teal'c rose to his feet, repressing a smile. "With age comes wisdom," he pointed out. "No doubt I am older than your father."
O'Neill cast him a sideways look. "And you've got less hair."
He almost smiled. "As you say." Then he turned towards the tent, but paused after only a step. "You have my admiration, O'Neill. Both you and Major Carter."
There was no response, and so Teal'c made his way quietly back to the tent. Just as he opened the flap, O'Neill called out. "Teal'c?" He turned. "Thanks."
Teal'c simply nodded, and crawled into the darkness. Jonas still slept, his breathing slow and regular, while Major Carter lay curled up, facing away from O'Neill's empty sleeping bag. She did not sleep, but neither did she speak or move. Teal'c allowed her the privacy of silence, settled himself and once more turned his mind inwards. He at least could escape from the troubles of the world for a short while; he wished it were so easy for his friends.
***
Sam had expected it to be awkward the following morning. But somehow, it wasn't. By the time she woke from a fitful sleep, she found herself alone in the tent. And when she crawled out into a blissfully sunny morning, she saw the rest of the team sipping coffee around the remains of the fire. Jonas, as usual, had his nose in a book, while Teal'c and O'Neill sat in silence.
The colonel saw her first, meeting her hesitant glance with a small smile. She might almost have described it as affectionate. Crawling out into the cold air, she wedged her feet into her boots and slopped over to join them without tying the laces. Glancing at the angle of the sun, she guessed she must have slept late. "Shouldn't we have left by now?" she asked as she sat down next to Jonas.
He lifted his nose from the journal he was writing. "Colonel O'Neill thought we could do with an easy day."
Her eyes followed Jonas's gaze towards O'Neill, and this time the colonel did look away from her as he handed her a mug of coffee. "No rush. Might as well take it easy when we can."
She smiled and took the offered coffee. "No pancakes?"
"Don't push your luck, Carter," he grumbled, but the warm expression in his eyes belied his tone.
Sam chuckled, and next to her Jonas closed his journal with a snap. "Well, as long as we get back before seven."
O'Neill turned a curious eye on him. "Why?
"Jonas Quinn has a romantic liaison this evening."
"Date, Teal'c," Jonas corrected. "They call it a date."
"You're kidding," Sam laughed, shaking her head. "Wait, don't tell me... Nurse--"
"Uh-uh," Jonas shook his head. "Lieutenant Fielding."
"The marine?"
He grinned. "Yeah." Then looking around at the amused faces of his team, he frowned. "What? You guys don't have dates this evening?"
"Ah, no," Sam replied, feeling the heat rise to her face.
"Any particular reason why we should?" O'Neill replied, his attention riveted to the bottom of his mug.
Jonas's confusion seemed to be growing. "Well...it's Valentine's day. I thought everyone--"
"Not everyone," the colonel interrupted.
"It's kind of an adolescent thing," Sam clarified. "I mean, adults don't usually bother."
O'Neill rose to his feet, "I could never see the point," he said, flinging the remains of his coffee out into the trees. "People who really...care about each other don't need all the hearts and flowers crap."
"No," Sam agreed, although she found herself unable to raise her eyes from her trailing bootlaces. "They don't. They just know."
She could feel his gaze on her as she spoke, and forced herself to look up. For a fleeting moment, she saw everything in his eyes. His soul laid bare. And then he looked away. "They just know," he repeated quietly, thrusting his hands into his pockets and tapping the log he'd been sitting on with the toe of his boot. Then with a deep breath he looked up at the clear sky. "We'll move out in half an hour. Don't want to keep Lieutenant Fielding waiting."
With that, he headed back to the tent and pulled out his sleeping bag and started rolling it tightly. Sam watched him for a moment, feeling an odd mixture of affection, regret and happiness. For all that had and hadn't happened during the night, it seemed that their relationship - for want of a better word - hadn't suffered. In fact, it might even have benefited; the pressure had eased. The ridged control had relaxed enough that, however covertly, they could talk about their feelings. Confess them, even if it was only in the odd kind of privacy afforded by a crowd.
And that, she figured, was a step forward. A step towards a future that she was determined to make happen. The future that O'Neill had promised.
One day.
~End~
Story Notes: Spoilers: None.
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis. Anyone else, please just ask so I can find you!
Notes: Not specifically about Valentine's day, this was nonetheless written for Valentine's day. Gunfodder wrote the brilliant first half, but blame me for the rest.
Happy Valentine's Day!
GooGoo Dolls - Iris
Well I'd give up forever to touch you
'cause I know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
and I don't want to go home right now
When all I can feel is your sweetness
And all I can breathe is your light
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis. Anyone else, please just ask so I can find you!
Notes: Not specifically about Valentine's day, this was nonetheless written for Valentine's day. Gunfodder wrote the brilliant first half, but blame me for the rest.
Happy Valentine's Day!
GooGoo Dolls - Iris
Well I'd give up forever to touch you
'cause I know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
and I don't want to go home right now
When all I can feel is your sweetness
And all I can breathe is your light
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am
End Notes: Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it. :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]