**************************************
I'm so glad to be home.
I tell myself this every time things get a little harder, when I'm struggling with my memory or my body or both, and it takes the sting away a little.
I'm home.
Over the last month or so this has come to mean more and more. Unfortunately Dr. Frasier was a little too optimistic about my memory, it's taking weeks, not days, but I get more back every day. I know who I am now, and I have a pretty good idea about most of my life. So it's gone from a tiny island of memory, to being more like a big ol' lump of Swiss cheese. I know most things, but there are a few confusing holes, like my whole seventeenth year, a few of my years abroad fighting, and even a few missions for the SGC. Like I say, annoying, but I'm assured that the majority will come back. I'm told that some little things may never come back, or that it may take years and the correct sight, sound or situation to make those things click back in. But my seventeenth year man, I mean judging by the rest of my memories after, I'm pretty sure that somewhere in that year (and let's not talk dates, I don't like to remind myself of when I was a teenager, as Carter and Daniel were kids then) I got laid for the first time. I mean I have to have that memory back, I have to! Okay so we're probably talking a five minute job behind a building or at a party but that's not the point, that's one of those memories no-one ever forgets! No one except me. Mind you, all this time that I've been dying and struggling to remember, there were one or too things that came as a bit of a shock, like a week after I got back for instance.
*************************************
"What's this?"
Dr Frasier and Daniel exchanged glances, then Daniel carefully handed me a box. I know lots of stuff now, and I've been slowly relearning the SGC from inside out. I really want to go and see my house and remember it, but the doc insists that I stay here for a little while longer till I'm more sure of myself. I understand, I do, but I'm getting restless sitting in the infirmary all day. Lot's of people visit me though, in fact even the gate guards from the surface came down to say hi. It's weird this memory stuff though, the first one of them that walked through the door I was suddenly like "Bob! Hey Bob!" and it took me another two days before I remembered who Hammond was! Like I say, I can't control how it comes back, and I think the General's still a little hurt. Bob was happy though!
So I take the box from them, and look at it curiously. It's old and a bit bashed, and Daniel tells me it's from my locker. They both back away then, and Daniel tells me they'll leave me to it for a while. That's a bit odd, they normally try and help me remember. Oh well, this must be important. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and gently open the hinged lid. Inside are a variety of things, photos, drawings, and cards, but the first thing that catches my eye on the surface is a plain gold ring. I take it between finger and thumb and turn it in the soft light. A wedding ring. I slip it on my finger and it fits perfectly. Underneath the ring lies a picture. I withdraw it and find a picture of me and a woman. I know without looking at the back that she is Sara. And she was my wife. Was, we're divorced now. These memories simply slide in order out as I come to the appropriate point. I feel a bunch of different things when I look at her. I feel the warmth of happy times, an underlying layer of love, and a hint of something bad. I still feel love for her yes, but not love like I feel for my angel, Sam. I'm smiling as I think of her so that the next photo I draw from the box surprises me, and my breath catches in my throat.
It's a boy.
Charlie...
I rub a thumb over the picture and I feel a strange choking sensation at the pit of my throat. This is my son. My son Charlie. My wonderful son Charlie. His hazel eyes stare out at me from the picture with a cheeky smile, and I can't help but grin, even over the palpitations of my heart. I...I remember playing catch, going to games with him, helping him with schoolwork. I remember going to the beach with him and Sara, and building sandcastles, and I remember the first time he saw snow when he was a baby, and the way he would grab for it as it fell past his stroller. My son. My son Charlie.
I remember playing with him in the garden, I remember reading him bed time stories and I...I...I remember coming home one afternoon...We were meant to go out, he'd...he'd just had his school photo taken and I...and there was...I remember a gunshot...and Sara screaming...and I ran upstairs...and I...Charlie...oh and blood, so much blood. No...not Charlie!
Then I am in the hospital. I'm standing clutching Sara who's looking at me with such big, frightened eyes and I don't know what to say so I keep saying sorry, I'm so sorry. He'll be okay Sara, I promise, I promise...And then the doctor comes out and makes us sit down and tells me they tried everything they could but he'd lost so much blood...so much...and there was nothing they could do...nothing...
Charlie? Charlie's...dead?
I'm trembling so much as tears fall streaming from my eyes. I look down at that photo once more and I feel so much rage and terrible guilt that I throw the box hard against the wall and scream my denial at the heavens.
My son is dead.
****************************************
The scream reverberates around the corridors, and ends on a drawn out choking sob. I sink low on the plastic chair and hug my legs to myself. I guess he's remembered. I don't think I've ever heard so much denial and anguish in a human voice before, and I squeeze tears from my eyes as I rock slowly on the chair. I'm sorry you had to go through that Colonel, I'm so sorry you had to go through it a second time and relive the moment your son died. But you had to discover it for yourself. I'm sorry.
I imagine at first he just remembered Sara and Charlie, and then at some point he remembered that awful, awful day that he died. I want to go comfort him, I want to run and take him in my arms and tell him it'll be okay but it won't really will it? His son is dead, and I can only hope that he also remembers his eventual acceptance of that he has come to over the last few years, and how he let go of that consuming guilt that drove him to want to die. I can't stand sitting here waiting and thinking of him in there, crying his eyes out over the pictures of his son. But I have to give him time, I have to give him some time.
An hour goes by, and Janet pops her head around the door.
"Sam? Maybe you should go have a look in now"
I seem to have become his keeper. I don't mind, not at all, but since I was the first thing he really remembered, he kinda clung to me the first few days, and even though he's a lot better now, he still looks to me for support. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he's opened up to me, let me in and all, but I just hope this won't wear off with time. I nod to Janet and slowly get to my feet and make my way to the infirmary door. I push it open gently and thankfully I see that the Colonel is still sitting on the bed looking at photos. At least he's not on the floor or under the bed or anything. I softly call his name and he looks up at me with a smile. I walk over to him a little confused, and he pats the bed next to him. I gingerly ease myself down and see he's looking at a photo of Charlie. I gulp a little and he looks at me, then indicates the picture.
"Isn't he gorgeous?" He says in a voice soft with wonder.
My words stick in my throat and I start to say his name with a worried expression while he beams at that photo. I choke out another few syllables but he turns, and laying a warm hand on mine he smiles sadly, and shakes his head.
"It's okay Sam, I know he's dead. But I...I'm glad I can remember the good times with my son"
He lets out a huge sigh and squeezes my hand a little, and I lean over and look at the photo of the eager young boy that looks so much like his Dad that I can't help but smile.
"Yes, he is gorgeous sir"
***************************************
That was my worst day, and also in a way, my best. It was awful, having to go through that nightmare of a day twice in a lifetime, but I'm so glad I have those other memories of my son Charlie back. I can't believe I spent all that time with no memories of my son. But I have them back, I have them back. And things are better now. Not perfect, but they'll get there I guess.
"You ready Jack?"
"Sure am Daniel, I can't wait to get out of this prison...uh...wonderful facility...hi Doc!"
"Uh-huh Colonel, well you just take it easy, and remember your exercises. Now get out of here. I don't expect to see your face until after the weekend okay?"
"No problem Doc, ya got my word!"
And with that, I'm outta here. I get to go home today. Only for the weekend, but hey, it's better than nothing. I've been looking forward to this for ages. Sam and Daniel have already been food shopping for me and stocked up the fridge (hopefully with beer) so I don't have to lift a finger. Mind you, all this 'poor old weak old Jack' stuff is getting a little tiresome, I can take care of myself. But I suck it up and get on with it. I'm going home. With that and a whole lot of smiles we troupe on out of the infirmary and head on up to the carpark. God it's nice to be outside. I've been topside a couple of times since I got back, but not for long. Just so's I can get some air. This time though, I'm going home. We get in Sam's car and head off. The radio's on, good song's are playing, my buddy's are in the car and I'm going home. And just over a month ago I was a wreck, both physically and mentally and I only wanted to die. It's funny how things work out eh? Especially for us. I dunno what forces in heaven are looking out for us and get us out of trouble, but I got an angel of my own on terra firma. Sam smiles at me across the back seat and I grin back. I'm home.
**************************************
"Wow...you even cleaned the place!"
"Not recognise it Jack? You left the house with beer cans all over, it began to stink after a while so we had to clean it up"
"What, you were here often? Use my house for parties while I was an amnesiac on another planet huh?"
"Yes sir, we used to borrow your stuff. And as for parties, well, you do have the biggest place"
And we grin. I step into my living room and a thousand little memories vie for my attention. Poker games, watching movies, entertaining, Danny's wake...weird. All kinds of things I didn't even know I couldn't remember. The others walk away and start to prepare dinner. By now they recognise my 'I'm remembering' face, and usually give me some time. I wander into my living room, and on the coffee table are an assortment of dusty presents in Christmas wrapping paper.
"Hey, what's this?"
Sam wanders in with a smile. As ever these days.
"Your Christmas presents sir, we kept them here for you"
"You got me Christmas presents?" I can't believe they bought these for me when I had been gone for months. I could have been dead for all they knew, especially after all that time. But they never gave up did they? We never give up. Hell Daniel's been dead before but we still came back and got him, just like they came back for me. I feel tears in my eyes and I have to turn away. The crap they went through for me when I was lying miserable halfway across the galaxy feeling so sorry for myself I wanted to end it all. What an undeserving bastard I am. I don't deserve these friends, and I don't deserve this angel. Sam touches my shoulder and I wipe my arm across my eyes and turn to her with a smile.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine Sam, just fine"
She smiles a little at me, then glances to the kitchen. The boys are both absorbed in cooking me dinner, so she turns back and bites her lip, then opens her mouth. I grab her arm and pull her with me to the couch before she has a chance to talk.
"Can I open 'em now? Can I?"
She sighs, and nods, smiling at my childish enthusiasm. The others come through then with hot pizza (the best food for a convalescing man) and join me as I rip parcels open. A sweater from Daniel, and it's actually nice. The way Danny winks at Sam I can guess she helped. From Teal'c a new pair of boots, and my favourite kind. He ruined my last ones, and no, you don't want to know why, or how. From Sam a small package tied with ribbon. I open it carefully, and inside is a very smart silver frame with a picture of us in it. I thank them all profusely, especially Sam, and try not to cry at the emotion of it all. That done we set about scarfing the pizza, and I can't help but glance at Sam. She's eating and smiling, but she looks preoccupied. I don't blame her after the way I changed the subject earlier. And why did I do that? Yeah, you guessed it.
I haven't told her.
I know, I know. I promised. And I meant to, I really did, but with all that's been going on and my slow recovery and everything, it was just never the right time. It just never was. And these last few weeks things have changed. Okay, so not changed, but slipped inevitably back the way they were before. Feeling this way but denying it. I know it's wrong, and I know I owe her so much, so much more, but I can't help it. The more my memories have come back, the more I'm back to being myself as I was before. And the way I was before I kept my feelings to myself. I mean, I know it's not the same now, I love Sam, I learned that if nothing else on that planet, but I guess I don't want to tell her. For many reasons. I mean, if I tell her, and if she feels the same, which is a bit of a leaping assumption, then we have trouble, big trouble. Not unassailable trouble, and as far as I'm concerned It'd be worth it, but unfortunately it's not only my opinion that counts. But this is all rubbish isn't it? I mean, I went through all of that, all of it, survived because of her, for her, and now I'm hiding behind myself? And why?
Okay I admit it. I've lost my courage.
I'm a coward.
You hear me world? I'm a coward. But just admitting it isn't going to help. We're slowly sliding back to what we were before. The comfortable friends, but only this time, it isn't quite so comfortable. We stepped over a line before, and now we've stepped back it's not the same, couldn't be the same. I kissed her, she kissed me, I made a promise. And now I've broken it. I never, ever wanted to break a promise to her. Never. She is the one thing that got me through those many long months, just the very thought of her existence kept me going, and now I'm not willing to take a risk? No. No that's not it. I am willing, I'd take any risk for her, but I'm scared she won't. So maybe she does feel the same way, maybe she does love me, but would it be worth it for her? Would it be worth thumbing our noses at the rules and regulations? Would it be worth risking our careers and friends for? How are we supposed to know at the beginning like this? With normal relationships you take that chance because you have nothing to lose. Well we do, or rather she does, and I never want to force her hand on that. Never. I can't assume that in whatever time in the future, having taken that chance, we would be perfect together, and therefore worth it. I can't. I want to, but I can't. It's funny though, in a way...in a way I'm disappointed. In me.
In who I turned out to be.
And I was right about one thing.
I'm not worth it angel. I'm not.
**************************************
A comfortable bed.
I'd forgotten what a subtle pleasure that can be. Hell I slept on a cold stone floor for almost the best part of a year, so yeah, it's nice. Maybe I'm getting old and maybe I'm getting soft but I enjoyed that comfy armchair last night too. So sue me. The infirmary ain't exactly the best place to kick back. Time to get out of bed now I suppose, as I reckon that eleven is a fair lie-in. I made the guys promise not to come round till the afternoon today, so I'd have time for a lie in, and a little time for myself in my house. I do need some time alone, it's the one luxury I haven't had recently. Strange, I had it for months, you'd think I would revel in company. I mean I do, but after weeks in the infirmary where I was barely alone for a second, it makes a nice change.
I haul myself out of bed and find myself standing in front of my full-length mirror. Now that's not a pretty sight. Not that it ever was, but though my mind has been healing rapidly, by body unfortunately, ain't so good. A combination of poor nutrition, little or no exercise, and questionable hygiene haven't really turned me into Mr universe. More like Mr how-not-to-look-after-yourself. First off, I lost the tan I spent years working on, and now resemble a zombiefied version of myself. In more ways than one. My overall appearance could be described as 'gaunt' and my fitness level has practically fallen off the scale. Not too great for a soldier huh? The doc says I should eventually recover full fitness, but because of the length of time I spent in this state, and, ahem...my lack of...uh...youthfulness she tactfully said, it may take a long time before I'm fit for active duty. I will however get to return as an advisor pretty soon. So I have a diet plan and several dozen exercise sheets that I try to stick to, I do. But it's hard. I mean, I'm as stubborn as anyone, but even I have my limits. I spent years from my youth building up to the general fitness and stamina levels I've been maintaining for my tenure in the air force, and now I have to repeat all that again within a year. Not gonna be easy, but I'll get there. I will.
At least I lost a couple of pounds. Okay, so it's more like a couple of stone, but regaining that weight shouldn't be a problem. I'm a junk food kinda guy. I ate two pizzas by myself last night, but unfortunately, no beer. Forbidden for now apparently. Damn. So a few luxuries have to wait, no problem. The best thing about this is that apart from my memory, I'm apparently mentally sound. The others rolled their eyes when Mackenzie delivered that little nugget of info, and I had to stare them down. Okay so I have a temper and I've been known to make the occasional...questionable...judgement, but apart from that my brain is as good as it gets. The doc tells me I should be glad I lost my memory, because if I was in that situation with my full faculties, then she reckons I'd be a bit loopy by now. Not her exact words, but you know what I mean. So I says that if I had my full faculties, then I'd of trotted on home through the gate within the hour, and wouldn't have been weeping and writhing on the floor of an unlocked stinking cottage for all those months. Yeah so she was trynna cheer me up, but sometimes I don't want to be cheered up. I'm not the best patient. You might have guessed.
Here's another revelation. A few weeks ago, a team went back to that planet, sorry, PLL564. No-one told me they were going, but after discussing it for a while they decided that that planet merited further study. They told me when they came to visit me one night on base, and were surprised that I wasn't angry. I mean, what was I supposed to feel? There was a little...annoyance I suppose, but hey, life and the stargate program go on. So SG9 went back, were very careful, and actually struck up some sort of friendly rapport with the natives. Great. And now they even have a temporary lab set up there. Some nice mineral deposits apparently. Some we could even use, and the natives don't mind. So basically, a nice reminder that everything I went through was entirely my own fault. I screwed up, but at least I was the only one who suffered that time. I said that when they told me, and Daniel, Teal'c and Sam looked so hurt I instantly apologised. I'm not the most sensitive guy, but I guess it never really occurred to me till then what they went through when I was missing. I know how it feels, but not to have gone through it for that long. To be honest, I would have expected them to move on, but they didn't, they didn't. And they refused to join different teams or get a new leader. So Sam stepped up. I've read some of her recent reports and she really seems to have grown in that position. I think she's ready for a command of her own. But I don't want to lose her from SG1.
I don't want to lose her.
Anyway, they brought back a lot of useful info from that planet, including a sample of that damn stuff that made me lose my mind in the first place. When they first got it Sam and the doc did tests on it, and then asked me if they actually seriously made me drink it. Oh yeah, that's one drink I'll never forget. I swear my taste buds aren't as good now, and recently the doc found I have some stomach ulcers because of it. Even better. So apart from the special diet, the exercises, the training, I also have a load of pills to take each day. They're not quite sure how that drink stuff works, but it has something to do with synapses, and neurotransmitters and acetylcholine. Like an advanced, and thankfully reversible version of Alzheimer's disease. Fascinating huh? Whatever, as long as I don't have it any more. My brain in still a little dusty though, as the other day I was tucking into a boiled egg on base, when Daniel came in and gasped. Then he told me I hate eggs. As soon as he said it, that memory came rushing back, and I almost gagged. Jeez you could have waited! So I shouted a bit at him, and he bailed. I've been doing that quite a bit lately, shouting, but they all just accept that this is hard for me, which it is, but personally I think I'm running out of excuses for being a bastard. Especially to Sam. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually as sweet as pie to her, unless she's hassling me to do my exercises or trynna help me in some other way, it's just the other thing. My problem. My cowardice.
She's waiting, she's ever so patient. But I know that it's wearing thin. And I also know by know that she's not going to ask me again. Not with the way I've been changing the subject, brushing it off, leaving the room. I can't stand to see those hurt eyes anymore but I don't know what to do. Ah hell scratch that, I know exactly what to do, but not how to do it. So she's waiting.
But I know she won't wait forever.
***************************************
I knock on the door, and from far off I hear a muffled yell. I turn and look at the others and they just roll their eyes. Looks like he isn't even up yet. It's midday, how much of a lie-in does he want? After a few minutes wait, the door bursts open and a smiling wet haired Jack sweeps his arm low and let's us in.
"Good morning campers!"
"Afternoon Jack..."
"Whatever Daniel..."
We wander in, and his living room is already in a mess. Wet towels lie over the sofa, and magazines and photos lie on the coffee table along with mugs and plates.
"Starting as you mean to go on Jack?"
"Damn right I am! This is how I like it Daniel! The smell of polish and clean stuff was annoying me"
More sighs, more rolled eyes, yep...Jack is back. It feels like it did before he went missing. Here we are turning up at his to hopefully spend the day doing something interesting and he's only half up. At least he's dressed. To a certain degree. Old worn jeans and a ripped black T-shirt that says 'You suck!' in white letters on it. Yup. That's our Jack. At least he's in a good mood. I know it must be hard for him, all this waiting and recovering and taking things easy, him being a man of action and all, but he does occasionally go over the top. The worst times are when we talk about something that happened in the months he was away, and he feels left out. He doesn't like that one little bit. Although he was aware when he was lost, he tells us that when his memory started to come back it felt like he'd been frozen in time, and that all the stuff that happened to him out there seemed unreal. I don't know if he just said that to get Janet of his back or if he really means it, but if he does I guess I understand why he gets so mad. It must feel to him like he's just woken from a nap, only to find the worlds been going on without you. Not that we got up to much, but we didn't spend every waking moment crying over him, and he finds that lost time hard to except.
Like last night. Last night we got onto the subject of Cassie, and we were discussing how well she was doing at school. The last thing Jack could remember was her studying real hard for some exams, and when we told him she passed them with flying colours months ago he got up and stalked to the kitchen. And Sam followed him. His guardian angel. We just sat back and had our own conversation, safe in the knowledge that Sam would sort things out.
***************************************
"Colonel?"
He's determinedly searching the fridge for something, but I doubt he'll find it. When I speak I see his back stiffen, but he keeps pushing items out of the way and looking behind them. I know he feels left out, but we're not doing it on purpose, he must see that.
"I'm sorry sir, we didn't mean to do that. It's just that..."
He springs up from the floor then and spins towards me, arms up and hands out. He looks so angry and frustrated.
"Oh for crying out loud Sam I know that! It doesn't make it any easier though!"
I take a step towards him intent on comforting him with a hug like I've done numerous times since he got back but he just whirls and steps away. I hate that. The last week or so there's been a distance growing between us, and now I'm even back to calling him Colonel and sir again. He told me time and again at first to call him Jack, and I did, gratified by the warm smile I'd receive when I did. Now? Now he doesn't even remind me to. Now he pushes me away. I mean I'm glad he's almost back to normal, but, in a way, I miss the Jack that we brought back, the Jack I thought...Well. It doesn't matter who he was and what I might of thought. This is the Colonel, and I'm so happy to have him back. He turns again and apologises with a soft smile, but the moment is long gone. Whatever I thought might have been between us, whatever I thought might have happened, I was wrong. Sure he kissed me, I kissed him, and he said that I was the one thing that kept him going, the one thing he remembered, but that wasn't him was it? That wasn't Colonel O'Neill, that was a man with no memories. That, was my Jack.
And I'm going to miss him.
I nod and smile and return to the living room to find Daniel looking at me curiously. He notices it too. In the first few weeks of the Colonel's return he would barely let me out of his sight. For the first whole day he clung to my sleeve like his life depended on it, fearful brown eyes darting to mine every time a 'stranger' approached to question or examine him. And I would stroke his hair and comfort him and he would lie his head on my shoulder, or hold my hand to his cheek. At night I had to take to sleeping on a chair by his bed, within reach, or later on another bed in the infirmary. Eventually he let me sleep in my quarters, and then a couple of times I went home. Maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I know he had to learn to rely on himself again, but I can't help but feel I did the wrong thing by leaving him alone all those times, and now he doesn't want me near. No, that's not true, I couldn't stay with him every second, and he does want me near, but only not so near. This he's made perfectly clear. Time and time again I've asked him or started to ask him about what we talked about when we brought him back, and at first he said it wasn't the right time, but lately he doesn't even let me speak. He can tell when I want to bring it up, and he changes the topic so swiftly that I've all but given up. Well, if the thought of me helped him get through those times, then I'm glad. But it seems obvious now that he doesn't feel the way he did then, and we won't talk of it, ever.
Even though he promised.
**************************************
And that was what happened. I asked Sam if she was alright, and she said she was, but I'm not blind. Whatever bond they had a short while ago, Jack has let dissolve, and seems to have no interest in reaffirming. That's some thank you to the woman who slept by his side every night in case he woke afraid or needed her. The woman who's hardly left the base all month just to be close to him. I see him though, when he thinks no-one is looking, as he watches her with a sad smile. The thing is, I don't think he wants to push her away at all, I think he wants to hold her close, but something is stopping him. When we brought him back all he knew was his feelings for Sam, and so he acted the way he felt. Now he's back to normal he remembers everything else. The military, the age gap, rank structure, and we're back to stalemate. I often thought maybe he felt a little something for her, and I'm damn well sure of it now. But even though he knows how he feels, he's hiding away, and doesn't want to do anything about it. Maybe that would be okay if his and Sam's relationship was back to normal, but it's not. She walks around with a permanently hurt expression on her face, and he looks ashamed and frustrated. I think me and Jack will have to have a little talk. But not now. Now we'll just enjoy a day together.
"Daniel, why the hell is Teal'c covered in sand?"
Sam and I look at each other and laugh, and I shake my head and tell our tale.
"Uh, Teal'c insisted on trying out golf this morning Jack, you should have seen him in the sand trap, he lost his footing and was rolling around there for ages!"
"Yes!" Jack suddenly leaps upright and punches the air.
"Jack?"
"Oh...sorry Daniel...your little golfing incident just brought me back some memories about being seventeen..."
He's grinning like a hyena then and Sam just shrugs. This is probably going to be one of those days...
***************************************
"Oh my back..."
"Ah Daniel, obviously you can't handle a day out with a woman and an invalid"
He winks at Sam to show he doesn't mean it, and she grins at me.
"Yeah well, you made me go on all the rides..."
"Now Danny, I'm not allowed to go on fairground rides, you know that. Doc says my legs might fall off"
And they all laugh. Teal'c even twists his mouth in a smile. I just sit back with my coffee and sigh. I'm pretty used to being the butt of Jack's jokes, and right now? I'm just glad to hear him make them. It was a fun day though. Even if I nearly threw up several times. They all came back and stuffed their faces with pizza, again, but I just couldn't face it. How can that man put away so much junk food? He had like three hotdogs already today. It's probably because he's been eating properly for weeks, and Janet said he could have the weekend off and eat whatever he liked. And he likes junkfood. Okay, so to rephrase my question of before, how can he eat so much junkfood, and still stay slim? Well, I guess at the moment he's trying to put on weight, well that's his excuse anyway. Sam gets up then, and wiping crumbs from her lap, reaches for her jacket.
"It's about time I headed off guys"
She smiles at us, but as soon as that statement was out of her mouth Jack stood up and for a second a terrified look crossed over his face. He dismissed it almost immediately, but for a second he was once again that scared unsure man who wouldn't let go off Sam for a second. Then he smiles and pretends to clean pizza boxes from his coffee table.
"You sure Sam? We're just gonna rent a movie or something..."
"No thanks sir, I have some research waiting at the lab, and Doctor Petersen has paged me twice today"
"Can you give me a lift back to the SGC Major Carter?"
"Sure Teal'c. See you guys tomorrow okay? And Daniel? Try and get the Colonel to eat something half decent"
She smiles at Jack, but her heart obviously isn't in it. They leave then and Jack walks them to the door. I crane my neck over the couch to watch him, and after he's shut the door he just stands there for a minute, body sagging. He jerks himself upright, and when he comes back through he's all false cockiness and smiles. He's lying to himself. I wonder if he'll try and lie to me? And why do I always have to sort things out? How come they can't just walk in one day and announce they're together? Ah well...it's my job. Daniel Jackson, matchmaker extraordinare...sigh...
"Ya wanna rent that film anyway Daniel?"
"Ah...whatever Jack, as long as I don't have to move"
He's silent for a minute, but I can tell he's watching me.
"Umm...ya wanna beer?"
"No thanks. Bit early for me. You have one if you want"
"I think I will" He says a little harshly. He stomps through to the kitchen and makes as much noise as possible. Whatever. We're all used to his split second sulks by now. Janet says he'll get better. I hope so. But I bet Sam doesn't. To tell the truth, I was kinda fond of that other Jack too. He was open and truthful. Okay, so maybe unrealistic considering, but it was refreshing and interesting to see right into him for a while, but he shut that down as quickly as he could. He stomps back through, opens his beer and takes a big swig. I hope he doesn't intend to get drunk on me, it's not even six o'clock.
"You got something you want to say Daniel?"
Yeah he's certainly observant. I guess his memory of me is so complete now that he can tell when I'm thinking, and when I feel there's something I should say. I'm a little surprised he's invited comment though. Maybe he wants to discuss this.
"I just want to know why you've changed your mind"
"Changed my mind? Don't you mean got my mind back?"
He grins ruefully and swigs his beer and I have to smile.
"Okay, so wrong thing to say. Same thing though really"
"You gonna elaborate?"
"Sam" I say simply. He puts his beer down quietly and sighs. We both lean back in our respective chairs and stare at the walls. I really don't want to have this conversation and neither does he. But I don't want to see Sam's hurt eyes anymore, or Jack's wistful looks.
"What about her?" He says softly, running his fingers across his furrowed brow. He knows she's hurting, he knows it. So why doesn't he do anything about it?
"The way you've suddenly changed towards her"
"Daniel..."
"The fact that all of a sudden you're pushing her away, denying what you feel for her. Denying all those things you said and did when we brought you back"
"Don't Danny...that wasn't me..."
"Oh right...so 'he' loved her and 'you' don't huh?"
"I..."
"Jack, do I have to remind you that you are one and the same person?"
"No Daniel...we're not. It doesn't matter whatever I might have...said..."
"Or done..."
He turns to look at me, hand poised in front of his confused face. I think it's time this little eavesdropper and voyeur came clean. I wonder if he'll hit me? I remember the last time he hit me over Sam, back when they were infected and he tried to warn me off. Back when my suspicious little mind first started to question those furtive glances and glowing smiles they shared. But yeah I also remember the hitting...and the kicking...
"Uh...I saw you when Sam came to see you after you cleaned up when we brought you back. You said you kissed her, and then she kissed you and you kissed her back Jack"
His hand falls clenched to his side, and I get that look he reserves for people like Martouf. I flinch involuntarily, but thankfully he remains in his seat.
"You sneak around snooping on people often huh?"
"I didn't mean to Jack, I was coming to see you, but Sam got there first...I just...I dunno, I was curious"
"Yeah you're always curious Daniel, way too curious"
This comment delivered with a dark look reserved only for evil system lords. Okay, so the best way to try and talk to him would not be to fall out with him first. Not clever Daniel, not clever. I'm just no good at this business, not with Jack anyway. Sometimes he has to be handled with kid gloves, especially in the case of his emotions and feelings.
"Jack..."
He springs to his feet then, and starts to pace the room, hands sweeping through his hair, teeth clenched. Can't you see it's simple Jack? Okay so the implementation of it mightn't be, but surely admitting it is?
"Ah Danny don't...please...
"What is the problem?"
He stops pacing and looks at me a little incredulously. I just shouted at him. Not a common experience for either of us. His eyes settle on the floor at my feet and his fingers twitch almost uncontrollably by his side. I eye his bottle where it lies abandoned on the table. I wish I'd had a beer. I have a sudden thirst. Jack paces again for a few seconds then flings his arms up in the air and turns to me, exasperated.
"Ah come on Danny, there's just no point is there? Regulations..."
"Aw come on Jack, that's a pretty poor one. You break a new regulation every week" I snort and twist my lip as I say this, not even seeing what look Jack has on his face. I mean he uses that excuse all the time concerning her and it just doesn't stick. Good soldier he may be, obedient soldier? Now that's another matter entirely.
"Just tell me you don't love her and I won't mention it again Jack"
Silence. I look up and meet his eyes and he's gaping at me like an oxygen starved fish. Not very attractive, I hope you don't do that in front of Sam. He starts to mouth a few strangled sounds and syllables. Nothing cohesive. I glance at my watch and he starts to spin on his heels, facing first one way then another, hands all over his mouth. And he's doing his fish impression again. Time's ticking away Jack...another few seconds and I'll take that as you do love her. Which I know anyway.
"Ah...Danny...uh...well...it's...I mean I..."
"Time up Jack. You love her. Yes?"
"Uh..."
"Yes?"
"Alright!...alright...yes...happy?"
I stretch comfortably on my chair and pull one leg up across the other one. Y'know, it's strange to be totally in control of a 'discussion' with Jack. I think I like it. I think I could get used to it. Oh yes.
"And she loves you"
"No Danny, that's where you're wrong. She doesn't love me. She doesn't"
"Jack, of course she does! You think she never left your side simply because you're her friend or CO?"
"No...she loves him"
"Him?"
"The other me. The...the man that you brought back"
He slumps down onto his chair and swipes his beer from where I was eyeing it. I guess that's why he's been pushing her away. I think I've always been aware that Jack never thought himself good enough for the likes of Sam. He may be a confident and strong man, damn good at his job and liked by many. But I think on some level I've always been somehow aware that inside, inside he really doesn't think very much of himself. Especially with all the things that have happened to him over the years. All that fighting, the things he must have seen, his wife, his son...The way he was when we brought him back...he was so different. He was so...happy in a way I guess. All he'd known all that time was that he loved Sam. Then suddenly people came and took him away from that awful place and brought him home, to be with the woman he loved. And it was that simple to him. He took the greatest pleasure in just being near her. And then he remembered. I look at Jack, but he won't meet my eyes. But his soft words reach me.
"I...I almost wish I didn't get my memory back Daniel. I almost wish I was him again. Then I wouldn't have found out what a small man I am. What a useless coward. She deserves better Daniel. She deserves him"
"Jack...Jack she fell in love with you long before you went missing. She fell in love with you, the man you are now. I won't say there were some things about...him that wouldn't have appealed to her, but he was, is, you. And you can do those things"
"What things?"
"Tell her, open up to her, love her. Just love her. Like he did"
He nods silently, and places his beer on the table. We sit in quiet contemplation for a while, and I wonder what he's trying to talk himself into, or out of.
"Jack...you promised her"
He looks up at me, his brown eyes full of unshed tears.
"I know Daniel...I know..."
****************************************
"I need to go sir"
"I really don't think you are in any fit state to return to active duty much less go off-world Colonel"
"General? I think this may actually be a good idea for the Colonel"
Why are all of my subordinates constantly trying to upset my otherwise already hectic and impossible life? I remember when I first took charge of the SGC. It wasn't much of a command really, more of a quiet reward for many years of service and a job well done. I should have been retired by now. Then things changed, and suddenly I'm in charge of one of the most important, and possibly deadly, facilities in the world. Nice and easy last tour. Just like they said. But it didn't turn out quite that way did it? As the Colonel would say..."Ya think?" Sigh.
"Explain Doctor"
"Sir, although most of the Colonel's memory has returned, he, and I, feel it would perhaps offer him some closure if he were to return to the planet, and see where he...lived...for all those months"
Closure? And the Colonel wants this? In all my association with Colonel O'Neill I have never seen him respond with anything other than sneers and jibes at the very mention of therapy or, God forbid...counselling. Dr Frasier did recommend it when we first retrieved him from the awful squalor he was living in, but after a short while it seemed the only help he needed was to be close to Major Carter. I remember when the gate opened and the teams came through, ahead of schedule. Usually, that means something bad has happened, in this case, quite the opposite.
***************************************
SG1 and SG4 stepped through the gate, smiling and yelling for medics, and my eyes were drawn to the terrified dishevelled man who clung so fiercely to the Major I thought at first that he was attacking her. Her face was split in a beautific grin, and Jackson was leaping and pointing at the man. Only then was I able to see past the pale drawn features, and the overgrown hair and beard to see our long lost Colonel.
They found him. They found him and they brought him back.
There was a sudden cheer that broke out in the control room, and even before I could move someone breathlessly announced over the intercom to the rest of the SGC that the Colonel had been retrieved. I shot down the stairs and into the gateroom, but when I approached the Colonel it was evident that everything was not well. His hands were twisted in Major Carter's fatigues, and he hung behind her, ducking his head behind hers. Doctor Frasier was already by their side when I approached, and I heard snatches of conversation.
"He's got amnesia Janet. He can remember some things, he remembers me, but not much else"
"Any idea how it happened?"
"The natives made him drink some drug, but I think it's wearing off a little"
I step up to the Major, and she gifts me with a full blown smile. Makepeace moves past me, step right up to O'Neill and slaps him on the back. The Colonel looks terrified. I watch, still smiling, as Carter coaxes him back out in front of her with soft words and a gentle touch. I can't believe this man is Colonel O'Neill. I step over to the Doctor as the Major reassures her recovered team member, and her smiling eyes find mine.
"Amnesia doctor?"
"Apparently so sir. That would certainly explain why he never came back. But if Major Carter says he is remembering some things, then it is probably hopeful that he can get everything back sir"
And that is all I needed to hear. I watch as the Major gently leads him away to the infirmary, and turn back to observe all the happy airmen swarming the gateroom. I think there may well be a few beers drank tonight.
I intend to have a few myself.
****************************************
And I did.
In fact I had more than enough. And over the following weeks I watched as the Colonel slowly came back to us. I was a little offended that it took him so long to remember me, and to be honest I think somehow he arranged for that to happen on purpose, just to annoy me. It sounds like something he would do. But through it all, the one thing that seemed to strengthen him and help him through was Major Carter. There have been certain occasions along the duration of my stay here in which I have had my doubts about the degree of professionalism in the relationship between those two, but I was very willing to put those aside if it would bring him back to us. Much though that man has spent the best part of the last few years annoying me and trying my patience to the very reaches of my limits, the first time he uttered those immortal words when Dr Frasier demanded she give him yet another injection, were some of the sweetest and most welcome I've ever heard.
"Come on now Colonel, just one more needle..."
"Oh for crying out loud!"
He looked up then, a little shocked, and we all broke out into wide grins. He'd only been back for 48 hours, but already little glimpses of the subordinate, loud, immature, whining Colonel O'Neill had come through. And I have never been more happy. We got him back. My people were dedicated and determined and spent months trying to find him, and eventually they did, and brought him back from that place that had been his prison.
His prison.
And now he wants to go back?
"Please General, I have to do this. You said yourself it's safe there, we have people there, and I'll stay out of sight sir. SG1 will be there to look out for me. I'd rather do this as soon as possible, so I can get on with getting better and return to the SGC for real sir"
Please? Genuine 'sirs' with no hint of sarcasm or bitterness? He's staring steadily at me, and though his eyes are firm and his face less pasty than before, his fatigues are hanging off his bony frame. Much though I want to say no, much though I don't want to send an unfit soldier off-world, something inside me makes me say yes. He smiles briefly, and the Doctor nods at me, then him, and leaves. He goes to turn, but I halt him with my voice.
"Colonel? I'll give you a few hours, no longer, and then you better be back. I'm not sending my people after you a second time"
He nods, then salutes me, and I salute back. Then he leaves, and I stand at the door and watch his back as he walks off down the corridor.
He better come back this time.
***************************************
Woh...
Talk about déjà vu.
This is one of the weirdest feelings I've ever had. I feel anticipation, uncertainty, doubt, guilt, and a good dose of fear which all rolled into one do not a happy camper make. I can't help but be really scared. This place...this place was my own personal hell for the best part of a year.
I'm here.
The air is cold. Frost clings to the needled trees and our breath coalesces as it leaves our hot airways. I stand and pant for a bit, just taking a look around me, and the others stay silent. I take a step forward, wringing my hands together, and Daniel lays an encouraging hand on my shoulder and smiles gently at me. I try and give him a confident grin, but I don't quite pull it off. Teal'c moves forward in his usual firm strides, and Sam gives me a shy smile and looks away. Two weeks ago she would have been standing by me, smiling and talking, and it would be her hand on my shoulder, not Daniel's. I may be a screw up, but even a loser like me should get another chance, shouldn't he?
I move forward again, and the others flank me and walk by my side. I almost feel naked without my MP5, but it's just too heavy, and I lack the reflexes and the strength to wield and respond with it properly just yet. My hand rests by my holstered pistol as we walk though, even though I've been assured this place is safe. The old reflexes I guess. God I feel useless. It didn't seem so bad when I was lying in the infirmary or lazing in my house, but now I'm out here, off-world, with my team, and I know if something happened I would be a burden. That's why they all have big guns and I don't. That's why they're flanking me and protecting me and being proactive and I'm not. And that's why Sam is in command today and I'm not. That grates a little, because my Colonel's mind and voice are just fine thanks, and very vocal, but I have to hold it in.
She looks good in that role. She takes charge much more easily and readily now than before, and I feel such pride in her. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this is all simply due to her thorough training and unwavering dedication to her work, but I feel just a hint of selfish pride that maybe, maybe my influence on her has made a difference. I hope it has. I hope she's learned something positive and encouraging from me, and can look past my cowardice and broken promises. Just for a little while longer. Just a little...So we walk on. It's a fresh bright morning, and as we pass through the gentle wood, I almost feel my spirits start to lift a little. That's good. I really need some courage today...just today. Forget fighting and danger, that makes it's own courage, it's called adrenaline. I need the more subtle kind, the courage of the mind. But it's going good, and I only hope it gets better...
Oh.
I stop suddenly, and Daniel almost walks up the back of my calves. He comes to my side, and the others close up on me, and when they see what I'm looking at, they fall silent, and watch my face for signs of stress. I don't know what to think. On one hand it's just a grassy pit, on the other hand, it's where I made one of my biggest mistakes, and later paid for it. Not my biggest mistake, but fairly close. I feel an echo of the burning sensation in my stomach, and have a sudden wish for a glass of milk. It's just a pit Jack, just a pit. I look for a second longer, and the fear and burning slowly fade away. I glance at the others, and nod at Sam. She nods back and takes point. So far, so good. It's not so bad, not so bad. I've dealt with worse, I can deal with this. I only hope I can go the whole way.
***************************************
We continue through the trees, following the ice touched path. It sparkles faintly in the sharp morning light, and it all seems so normal, so natural, and so calm. We pass slowly into another clearing, and are met by a hastily erected wooden sign in front of a small temporary building.
'Welcome to Arrun. SGC monitoring station'
I breathe out a sigh, and the others greet the arriving SGC members with smiles and warm words. They greet me with schooled expressions and careful nods, and I simply nod in return. It's a little odd to see them go to Carter, and talk to her, and for a moment I have to push my annoyance away and remind myself she's in charge. It fades quickly though, and the familiar faces and their ease of manner reassures me, and for the first time since we got here I force my hand away from my side arm. I don't want to go all paranoid on people. Not usually my style. Well...not totally paranoid anyway. Nothing wrong with the usual levels of healthy paranoia, helps keep a man alive. Unless they're stupid enough to get themselves involved in something they should have left well alone. Okay okay...enough beating myself up on that. It happened, I fucked up, and now I'm back. Back on the world where I almost died. Back on the world where I almost killed myself. I try not to think about that bit too much, and to be honest, I haven't told anyone about it. It's certainly not something I'm proud of. I know they'd simply say that I wasn't myself, and that I would never have lost hope, and done that, but on the other hand I have Daniel trying to make me see that 'me' and 'him' are one and the same guy. So which is it? And does it matter? I know someone who would think it does. I glance across at Sam, and as if sensing my eyes, she looks away from her conversation with Captain Dixon, and gives me a warm smile before turning back. She knows me so well. She knows this is hard for me, so very hard, but she also knows that running over and giving me a big hug is not what I need. I just need everyone to treat me normally, and for maybe, once in a while to get a smile like that from her. She amazes me. I treat her like shit and she still smiles at me like that. I don't deserve her love.
Pleasantries over, Sam explains the situation to the resident troops, and they lead us on a side track which will circumvent most of the settlement. I don't want to go there. That's not what's important. And I don't want them to see me either. I don't really know what they'd do. I don't know if they'd expect to take me back, but it seems unlikely. The cultural people who studied this place and its way of life seemed to think they'd simply ignore me. In a funny way, that pissed me right off. After all I've gone through I really thought I'd merit some sort of attention or something, a few whispers at the very least, but it's better to do it this way and avoid the natives altogether. I really don't fancy meeting that guy with the knife again. I rub at my chest absently, and my skin itches and burns a little, even though the scar is now mostly faded. Some sort of ritual thing Daniel thinks, making a hole so the old, bad soul can escape, and leave the body empty for somebody new and better to take over. Turns out this hole is often made in the head in other cultures, so it seems I got off kinda lightly there. Lucky me. And huh, lucky everyone else, the old, bad soul got to stay.
We arrive at a small burbling stream, and Captain Dixon points us up through the trees, and leaves us to our own business. We walk slowly through the dark trees towards the light, and I drop back to let Sam pull slightly ahead. I fall in step beside Daniel, and as we break out into the light, I turn to face him.
"Daniel?"
"Yeah?"
He's studying my face intently, obviously wondering if I'm okay. I must admit I haven't yet made myself look up that hill yet, but I'll get to it, and I'll do it. Besides, that's not the hardest thing I have to do today. Not by a long shot.
"Would you and Teal'c mind losing yourselves for a while?"
His eyes flick from me to Sam ahead of us, and his jaw hangs open as his brain works visibly. I know he wants to ask why, but I school my face into a pleading look, and Daniel wisely lets the reason go.
"Uh...sure Jack, we'll stay down here okay? Right here"
"Thanks Daniel, I won't be long okay? Just...just some things I gotta do"
Daniel tries a hesitant smile, and Teal'c nods. I return the smile, and slap Daniel on the shoulder before turning and following Sam. The General told us not to split up, but I need to. Sorry sir, but I guess I'm back to being disobedient. I jog out into the light and up to Sam's side, and she turns and looks behind me questioningly.
"Sir? Where are the others?"
"They're not coming Sam. Getting a little bored with all this, they're gonna stay by the river"
I waggle my eyebrows at her as I speak, but the worried look doesn't entirely leave her face. Come on Sam, work with me here. I don't think I could do all this with them there. It'd be too hard. I told you in great detail what I went through, you know all about it, let's just do this.
"Sir...we're not supposed to split up"
"Aww come on Sam, you can protect little old me can't ya?"
She smiles, and I can tell I've persuaded her. We turn and move off, and then, and only then do I raise my head and look up the hill that rises in front of me. Woh. I never thought I'd feel this slow terror twist and rise in the pit of my stomach. It's all there, just as I remember it. Or rather, how he remembers it. It's funny, I feel like I have three separate views of this place in my head. First there's my original memory of being dragged up here. That's very sketchy and incomplete, and I don't have all of that back. The drug was just working on me then, and I recall stumbling and being dragged. The second, was me as I was here, mindless and cowardly. Dumb enough to sit in that damn cottage for months because I just didn't know any better. And then there's how this place looks to me now. I can't deny it. Though my memories cast a rather negative pall over the whole area, I begrudgingly admit to myself that this place is nice. It's almost like the woods back home. Rivers, trees, grass, birds singing, animals in the woods, quaint wooden house in the backwaters. I'd even go so far as to say it's lovely. No wonder the SGC staff staying here like it so much. Well I don't think I ever will. How can I?
Phew.
This is hard going. Physically I mean. We're not even halfway up the hill and already I'm panting and have a stitch. I pause for a second to rub at my ribs, and Sam looks concerned. She opens her mouth to speak but I smile and start to move again. I don't want her to know I'm suffering here, in more ways than one. This ache is just physical discomfort, and God I'm used to that. I can take it. Janet told me not to push but personally speaking I know my body very well, and it can do with a little push now and then. My legs start to ache, and my calf muscles are protesting. I'm just about to swallow my pride and ask for a rest when Sam stops suddenly in front of me. Her gun is not raised so I look over her shoulder to see what she's spotted, and my breath sticks in my throat.
A large rock pokes out of the turf at an angle, creating a dark shadowed area underneath its overhang. I had forgotten all about it. The hill, the house, the pit I was preparing for, but not this. I take a deep breath and stare the rock down for a moment, and when I feel like I've made my point I go to walk on, but Sam stays fixed to the spot, eyes on the rock. I edge my way around in front of her, and when I see her sad eyes I reach out and touch her shoulder. She starts at the touch, and follows the line from my fingers down my arm to my eyes. When she meets my eyes she smiles, almost as if she didn't know who it was that just touched her. Why does she look so sad? I question her gently with my eyes, and she shrugs and shakes her head, trying to brush it off. I let my hand fall away, and with that warmth gone the fear returns to her eyes and she steps up to the rock and touches its sun warmed surface with a trembling hand. I don't understand...
"We...we thought this was your grave Colonel..."
Her voice is soft and wavering, and when she turns to look at me her eyes are large and filled with unshed tears. They thought this was my grave? I guess that makes sense. My weapon and jacket were here, I remember finding them, and I guess they did too. So they spent months trying to get here and when they did they found my possessions under a large rock in the middle of a grassy slope. I guess it must have looked symbolic. Here was me all worried about what I could handle today, I guess I never thought about the effect on the others. I really am a selfish man. I just blunder around my life forcing people to do what I want and making and breaking promises just when I feel like it. And Sam's still here. She's by my side. She stares at the rock as though she can't tear her eyes away from it, so I step to her side and place my arm over her shoulders and gently draw her away.
"Hey...I'm right here" I say softly.
She meets my eyes for a second, then looks away. I remove my arm and follow her up the hill in silence. She increases her pace and pulls further ahead, and as I start to fall behind I hear her whisper something obviously not meant for my ears.
"No...no you're not"
I just stop walking.
That really hurt. That really, really hurt me Sam, but I guess I deserved that. I've really fallen short of her expectations, and I guess it's all my own fault for getting her hopes up. Huh, so why on earth is one of her hopes getting closer to this old fool? Does it matter? Shouldn't I just be glad? Shouldn't I just feel like the luckiest man who ever lived? Well I do, I really do. But it's not that easy. It never is, for me. Enough. I turn my back on that cursed rock and follow in Sam's footsteps.
**************************************
Finally I reach the crest of the hill to find her waiting for me. I come within a few feet of her, and leaning over I brace my hands on my thighs to catch my breath.
"Sorry I went so fast sir, I should have waited, I'm sorry"
"No problem Sam...just gimme...a moment...I'll be right...with..."
A sudden chill spreads down my spine, and for a moment something flickers across my mind. I brush the thoughts away, but my eyes are drawn inexorably upwards, and my vision is filled with the sight of a rundown ramshackle cottage that perches precariously at the apex of the hill. The wood is old and rotting, and the door hangs feebly on its broken hinges. Well this is it. This is what I came here for. This is what I'm relying on. If this doesn't do it, nothing will. I wish I could find the strength and reserves myself, but I think I've already proved I don't have them, and I need this, I need it. Well General, disobedience and lies, glad to have me back huh? I wouldn't want to disappoint you.
I move forward and push the door, and it falls inwards, sending up a cloud of dust and a very familiar stench. Sam steps back and wrinkles her nose, but I step forward into the dim light. The rays of sun shining in from the door show up the dust still floating down through the fetid air, and its gentle fall seems to make the time slow. My breath seems agonisingly laggard and harsh to my ears as my lungs drag each molecule of oxygen from the murky room, and my footfalls boom and scrape in my ears as I move further in. I can feel Sam's presence behind me, but all I can hear and see and feel and remember is this room. It pervades my very being, fills me up from my head to my guts and defines my very existence. This was my very existence once upon a time. It's funny, when I look at it now, part of me simply sees a room. A dirty smelly rubble filled room, but it's more than that, much more. This is where I forgot, and this is where I remembered, and for a little while, this is where I was reborn. I hate this room, I hate it with a hatred I never thought I could feel for a place, but also I guess I have to thank it. I never came here to get 'closure', I never came here for some sort of counselling or to confront my fears. I came here to force myself. I came here in the desperate hope that this would take me back, remind me, and somehow force the issue that's been playing on my mind for a while now. I walk to the far corner and look down at the pile of rags that was my bed. I push them around with my toe, and Sam comes up to my side.
"Are you okay?" She says gently, as if she's afraid to break the silence.
"Not really" I admit. I think it'd be better if I start out as I mean to go on. By being honest. I turn and watch her as she spins slowly, taking in my lovely home, and when she looks back at me she looks so guilty.
"We shouldn't have left you sir...I'm...I'm sorry we did"
"Don't be silly Sam, you did the right thing. You did what I told you to do"
She nods a little at that, and moves to the corner to look down at the rags, torn into strips by my own hands. By moving the rags I exposed the scratch marks on the floor, and her eyes flick to my fingernails. Yeah I did that.
"I...I did that when I was trying to kill myself" I say softly.
I hear her gasped inhalation, but I can't bring myself to meet her eyes. Hope that doesn't affect your opinion of me Sam. I know I've always told you never to give up, I know I've always said that there is always hope, and maybe I would have thought that if I'd remembered who I was, but I didn't. Maybe that's what I'm really like underneath. Maybe underneath some false determination I'm a weak coward of a man, and there is only something external that keeps me believing I'm not. Well before I would never have thought that, but now I think I do. And thanks to this ordeal I now know what that external factor is, and that is you. I was here Sam, I was here and I survived and the only reason I did was because I remembered you. The very fact that I knew you, the very fact that I knew you were a part of my life was enough to get me through this hell. Not my bravery, not my determination, not my strength of will, only you. And I need just a little bit more of your strength to get through today.
"You...you tried to..."
I let my breath escape, and turn to meet her eyes. I don't know what she's thinking. Is she horrified, disappointed, sad? A mixture of all of the above? Probably. I'm not proud of that. I pull my cap from my head and scrunch it in my hands. What if I'd succeeded? What if I'd actually killed myself? Mind you, I'd thought about it a lot and only really tried it half-heartedly, so I like to think I would never have gone the whole way. But what if I had? I look away from her and my hat slips from my suddenly trembling fingers and flip-flops to the floor to land in a backsplash of dust. A dust doubtless mostly formed of my own skin cells. I still exist here. This place still has a power over me. Before I'm even aware of the tremors and shakes of my own rebelling body, Sam is there and her arms twine around me, pulling me to her. I throw my arms around her and sag against her, scrunching my face against her neck. She's there for me. I spend my days swaggering about, letting my dangerous mouth run away from me, get into and out of trouble faster than most men can think, and through it all, when I fuck up, she's there. She doesn't judge me and most of the time she doesn' t speak, she's just there. For me. I squeeze her against me and she strokes my hair and makes soothing sounds. Oh Sam...I spent almost a year of my life here, and you never gave up on me. You searched for me, you found me, you rescued me and you were there. And for a little while I think you even loved me didn't you Sam?
I think she did. And I love her. I love her. The memories and horrors are fresh around me now, and I feel as if she's just found me. But no, no this isn't how it was. I pull out of her embrace and grab a hold of her sleeve and tug her towards the door. I haul her outside and along past the house, and she starts to struggle in my grip...
"Colonel!..."
No, no don't speak Sam. Don't spoil it. This has to be perfect. I drag her further towards the trees and then I stop and turn, letting go of her arm. Her face speaks volumes. I know that expression, I've seen it pretty regularly over the last while. It say simply 'you bastard', disguised as disappointment and covered with a layer of abject sadness. No Sam, I'm not gonna run away again, I'm not gonna. She starts to back off and I know she doesn't understand. She thinks I'm trynna get away, she thinks I'm trying to change the subject. I take her shoulders in my hands and position her where I want her. She's watching me curiously but she must see something in my face. I take a step back from her, and turn away. I can practically feel her confusion, it hangs in the air making it muggy and thick. I turn back to her, fingers fiddling with my collar, and as I shift from foot to foot I don 't know what to say. C'mon Jack...c'mon...I'm here, this is it, this is the reason I came here, this is the reason I made myself do this. Sam calls 'Colonel' another couple of times, her voice leaping in decibels and pitch as she obviously thinks I'm going nuts. No. That's the funny thing Sam, when you saw me here last time I was as sane as I'd ever been. Everything was clear in my head and I was unfettered by doubts and fears and the past. That was me, that was me underneath. It was when I came back that I started to lose it. I let all the important things slip away, and this is my one chance to fix it. The fear and memories this place has brought back to me are doing their job, pushing everything else out of the way till my only thoughts are of my angel. My angel remember? The one who got me through all of this? The angel that was the one light through all of this darkness? C'mon Jack! I stand and fidget, my hands playing with my buttons as I stare into the trees. It's not enough...I'm not brave enough...I can't do this...I can't...I need something...just a little something...
"Jack?"
And there it is. I turn and face her, and her face mirrors the expression I found on it when I turned to face her that last time, when I suddenly realised who she is. My angel. Oh Sam...you just gave me what I needed. A little piece of your strength, your courage. She hasn't called me that for weeks. My fault I know. As I let myself slip back into old roles, she, in fear, let herself slip too. Neither of us wanted to, and I know she hated going back to what we were before, but it was so easy not to try. Well I want to try Sam, I want to. Just watch me. When I recognised her that time before, I saw my past. And now? Well maybe, just maybe I see my future. I would love it to be so. She still looks frightened and a little confused as I walk slowly towards her, and hesitantly take one of her hands in mine.
"Sir?..."
"Jack...please Sam...it's Jack...like before"
Her eyes drop a little. Yeah, I've hurt her a lot. I'll make up for it. God I promise. I step a little closer and lick my lips. I feel a sudden strength inside me, and I guess that must be coming from her. As I stand there looking at her, I see the tiniest sliver of hope appear on her face, clearing some of the shadows from her beautiful sky blue eyes. I step closer still, leaving only a few inches between us. Oh that hope pierces straight to my heart, and it buoys me and gives me some hope of my own.
"Sam...I made you a promise before, you remember?"
She gulps and nods, and I reach out with my free hand and gently stroke her cheek. She leans a little into my caress, but her eyes remain fixed on mine.
"I know I've been a bit of bastard recently Sam, but I'm gonna keep that promise"
She nods again, her hand firm and strong in mine. She waits patiently, her wide eyes daring to trust me again, just a little. I won't let you down ever again Sam. I had those terrible nightmares when I was here, terrible thoughts that I had loved and lost you, or drove you away, or never told you at all. And when you found me, and pulled me back from the lip of that abyss, I swore I would make it all right. And I didn't did I? I did all the things I was so afraid I'd done in the past. I'm not very good at learning lessons and doing the right thing straight off it seems. I have to make the mistakes first, and then try and fix it after the fact. Let me fix it angel, please...I hold her hand against my chest and tilt her chin upwards so her eyes cannot help but stay fixed on mine. This is it Jack, you promised remember? You promised. I promised my angel Sam and I will never, ever break a promise to her again. Because I love her. I take a deep cleansing breath, and simply tell her what she needs, and deserves, to hear.
"I love you angel"
And she smiles.
But it doesn't end there. Not this time. I lean against her strong lithe body, and lower my lips to hers. She accepts the kiss eagerly, stretching up and meeting me halfway, and I entwine her within my arms and hold her as close as I can. But she's supporting me. She holds me tight and kisses me firmly, her sweet lips the final stage of my healing. My body will get there, but now I have more important things to think about. I have my angel. Angel of mine. I have found her. She pulls back gently, her arms still about me, and touches my pale face with a smile.
"I love you Jack"
And I smile.
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THE END
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Story Notes: FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]