Sam lay on her back in the almost total darkness of her room, staring restlessly at the smooth surface of the ceiling. It was getting late and she was tired, but sleep eluded her despite her best attempts at clearing her mind.
The day’s events kept playing over and over in her head, and she often wondered if her conversation with… Jack… - she had to get used to using this ensemble of letters, now - wasn’t all a figment of her imagination. But no. He had really kissed her and told her he loved her. She knew him too well to doubt that he meant it, and that utterly amazed her. He amazed her. She smiled to herself. Yes, even after all this time, he still amazed her. And apparently had the power to make her smile stupidly to herself. Really, how old was she?
Yet, despite all of her evidence to the contrary, a part of her still couldn’t quite believe that what she had thought as impossible for so long was finally, really happening. She was thrilled, and scared, and happy and excited all at once and she couldn’t quite make sense of it all.
Her heart skipped a beat as she thought of the way he’d sneaked glances at her earlier as they’d sat outdoors with Daniel and Teal’c. She could still remember the frantic butterflies in her stomach she had felt in response to the blatant wonder and hunger she’d seen in his eyes then, sometimes softened by tenderness and sometimes intensified by longing. He had rarely been so demonstrative before and she almost couldn’t stand the anticipation of this new stage of her (their) life, including the fact that they would soon be allowed to… well, act on their mutual physical attraction.
But not just yet.
He wasn’t retired yet, and she knew that they would both need some time to adjust to this new situation. In fact, as much as Sam wished she could openly return his burning looks in public, even if it was just amongst trusted friends, something was still holding her back. Even though the idea of a romantic relationship with him had always been at the back of her mind, until very recently she had all but given up hope that it would ever happen. And now that it was really happening, she needed some time to process the change. She wasn’t used to watching him openly - or being watched openly by him, for that matter - and she wasn’t used to his touch or even his burning looks. They had always been under careful control before, but now that the way was almost clear…
Her smile softened as she recalled how the night had ended.
*
After sitting outside for a while, they all started to feel the chill so they relocated to the living room where they resumed their easy conversation and banter over a few more beers. After an hour or so Daniel rose to his feet and called it a night, and Teal’c followed about half an hour later.
The moment Teal’c existed the room, a silence heavy with tension and anticipation settled over the two remaining occupants. For a few painful seconds Sam debated with herself what to do: she wanted to stay and make this surprising night last just a little bit longer, but she also knew that officially he was still her CO, and it would be a really bad idea to stay and play with fire in such a way. So she made her decision.
He seemed slightly disappointed, though definitely not surprised, when she all but jumped to her feet. “Well, I guess I should get some sleep too.” She hesitated, “I- ah… Good night sir.”
She saw him wince and she kicked herself mentally at her slip, but he spoke before she could correct herself. “Sure, good night. I think I’m gonna turn in soon too anyway,” he said, though he didn’t move from where he still sat on the couch, his fingers playing with a beer label from an empty bottle that sat on his thigh.
Sam smiled, but it felt forced. God why did she have to make this so awkward? Maybe it really would be better if she just went to bed. “Okay then, good night.” She turned to walk away, but then stopped. She couldn’t just leave him like this! She turned back towards him. He was now staring intently at the bottle.
“I could stay a while longer?” Sam suggested. God, she hated how uncertain she sounded. No one who heard her right now could believe that she had spent the last eight years on the front lines of a galactic war.
His gaze flashed back to her and the hope and blatant desire in his eyes sent her stomach into a double flip. He stared at her for a couple of interminable seconds before rising to his feet slowly, as if every gesture was carefully controlled. “I think we both know it’s probably best if you don’t. At least not until-”
“Yeah. I know.” They shared a long look, until Sam, feeling more than a little flushed, couldn’t hold it anymore. “When do you think-”
“A few days, probably. Maybe a week or two. I’m gonna make that call to Hammond first thing in the morning. Though he might not be able to do anything about it until Monday.”
“Right.”
“You still okay with all this?” he asked, and Sam was a little relieved to realize that, as silly as that sounded given how she felt about him, he too had his insecurities. But at least he seemed to be on the same page on the ‘waiting’ part.
“Yes, of course. You?”
He walked a little closer and exhaled slowly, then paused.
“Undomesticated equines.”
Whatever she had expected him to say, that wasn’t it, so Sam - though she would later blame it on the few beers she’d had over the course of the evening - couldn’t quite contain her laughter at his fake seriousness, and burst out laughing. After a moment of watching her trying to contain her chuckles and failing miserably, he grinned, and then chuckled, and Sam saw it: how genuine that grin was and how unabated joy was reaching his eyes, making them sparkle with a dark, mesmerizing light. She realized with no small portion of amazement that he was letting her see the happiness he was so careful not to let himself feel most of the time. She promised herself to try to provoke that expression as often as she could.
After a few moments, they regained their seriousness and he started speaking again. “That’s settled then. But this brings to mind… you’re gonna need to drop the ‘sir’ soon or I’m gonna lose it.”
Sam grimaced. “Yeah, I know. It’s just- it’s become such a habit, it might take a while.”
“Yes. I know that.”
“Plus it was very sudden. For me anyway. I really didn’t expect you to tell me how you felt tonight.”
He smiled ruefully. “No kidding.”
“This is going to sound a little crazy but… earlier tonight, when you first said you were retiring, I thought it was to be with Kerry Johnson.”
His eyebrows rose slowly, incredulously. “You’re right, it does sound a little crazy.”
Sam kept watching him silently, somewhat waiting for an explanation, though she knew full well that she really was in no position to ask.
But he gave her one nonetheless. “It wasn’t serious between us. We just…we just got along well, and as I watched you prepare for your wedding, I just figured… I might as well try to move on myself. You know?”
Sam looked down with a small nod. She felt more than saw him take another step closer.
“But man, was I delusional to even consider it was possible,” he went on. “And Kerry, she figured that out pretty quick. Apparently I have issues,” he added derisively.
Despite the heaviness of the topic, Sam couldn’t help her amusement as she played into his game, her expression affectedly surprised, as if to say, ‘what, you, issues? Noooo.’
“Oh yes! Or one big one, according to her.” She could tell the moment he became fully serious again. “But in the end she’s the one who made me realize it was stupid to let the Air Force keep you and me apart.”
“Perceptive woman,” Sam finally spoke with a nod. Even though she knew better than to doubt the truthfulness of his statement, their recent history, including her decidedly serious relationship with Pete, was still too raw to be brought up without some serious painful pangs, for both of them. It was something that they would both have to learn to live with. But she couldn’t help but wonder what he had said or done that would make Kerry realize that he had feelings for another? Had his feelings really been that obvious to everyone but herself?
Shaking the thought away, she shrugged slightly before going on, a little bit of sadness creeping into her voice despite her best intentions of playing it light: “It was Dad who told me not to let the Air Force keep me from getting all I wanted. And I think somehow he knew that meant you.” She raised her gaze to meet his. “It’s always been you.”
He looked surprised and even moved by her admission and the emotion in her voice, but true to himself he deflected it with humor. “Dad? Really? Who’d have thought!”
“He liked you from the start. He told me so after you two first met.”
“Really? I find that hard to believe.”
Sam’s smile widened a little. “Alright, so he never told me directly, but I could tell.”
“Ah. Yes well, I liked him too. He was a great man.”
“Yeah. “
There was a moment of silence as Sam got lost in a whirl of memories and grief and it didn’t take long before she felt the sting of tears behind her eyelids. He had only been gone a few weeks, and already she missed him like crazy.
She felt a finger brush against her palm. “Come here.”
Grateful for the comfort Jack was offering, she didn’t think twice before ignoring his earlier warning and stepping into his embrace to bury her face into his neck, breathing him in as his arms enfolded her in a tight hold. He didn’t say anything as he held her, but he didn’t need to. She realized then that this was what she had needed all along. He was holding her so close she could feel his heart beat, and the warmth of his skin against her face was an extraordinary reminder that she - they were alive. After what felt like minutes, she felt him kiss the side her head lightly, and Sam pulled back far enough to look at him.
“Okay?” he asked quietly.
The tears that had been stinging her eyes before returned at his thoughtfulness. “Yeah. Thanks,” she replied as she took a step back, sniffing.
“Sure.” He studied her for a second. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?” He paused for a beat. “We have a big day tomorrow.”
Sam raised an eyebrow, smiling through her unshed tears. “We do?”
He looked offended. “Lots of fish still swimming around in that pond, Carter. Lots and lots.”
She let out a small chuckle. “Right.” Giving his arm one last squeeze, she stepped away. “Good night.”
“Night.”
And on that she walked to her room, closed the door, and let herself fall onto her bed with a long sigh.
There was just no way she was going to sleep.
****
When Sam got up the next morning after a restless night, the sun was barely up. So she was surprised to find Daniel already sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and reading what looked like the newspaper. He wasn’t generally an early riser, especially not after a late night like the previous one, and she wondered what had made him get up so early.
A quick survey of the open area told her that the gen- Jack was not around. Given what had happened last night, she wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or relieved. After a restless night spent thinking about it, she wondered - and admittedly fretted a little - about how this new thing between them would play out in the light of day.
“Good morning,” she greeted Daniel as she made her way to the coffee pot, which was thankfully still almost completely full.
“Morning.”
“The others up yet?” she asked as she poured herself a cup.
“Mm, Jack’s up - doing stuff outside. Teal’c’s still asleep.”
“At 6am? He’s such a slacker. What are you doing up so early?”
“Don’t know, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep for some reason. Thinking, I guess.”
“Oh, what about?” Sam asked with some concern as she took the chair next to him.
He seemed to hesitate a little, but then forced a smile on his face. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Thanks, though.”
She patted his arm in response. “So, anything interesting?” Sam pointed to the newspaper.
“Oh sure, if we were still in 2002,” he smirked, showing her the front page, and Sam shared his smile as she saw that the date was in fact obsolete by about three years.
“Maybe he keeps it as fire starter,” Sam suggested.
“Maybe. But we are talking about Jack, after all.”
“What about me?” the man himself asked as he emerged through the cabin front door and started making his way towards the kitchen. Sam felt herself blush in delight when her eyes found his and last night’s…events… flashed through her mind. Shaking the thought away, she gave him a smile before returning to her coffee.
It came out before she could stop it. “Good morning sir.”
He stopped in his tracks to stare at her. “Really? What did I say last night about the sir thing?”
Sam winced and threw a glance at Daniel. Though he appeared amused by the situation, he was also resolutely staring at his newspaper, as if it had the power to make him disappear. “I know. But we also agreed that for the time being you’re still my General. I mean a general. General O’Neill.” She cleared her throat, her slip of the tongue and the incoherent attempt at fixing it making her blush even more. Especially as she was acutely aware that both he and Daniel were smirking, though Daniel was doing a better job at hiding it.
Jack started moving again, making his way past them to get himself some coffee. “Yes well, not for long,” he replied. “So you better get used to it.”
“Yes s-“ she stopped herself just in time. Did he have to make everything sound like an order? She rolled her eyes.
With a steaming cup of coffee in hand, he came back and took a seat facing her on the other side of Daniel, snatching the newspaper from under Daniel’s nose as he did.
“Hey! I was reading that!”
“Really? Cause I distinctly remember hearing you making fun of it a few minutes ago.”
“Jack, come on, can I have it back, please?”
“No. But here, trade you,” he replied as he smugly pulled a rolled-up newspaper from his back pocket and pushed it towards Daniel.
Sam leaned over to read the date: this morning’s paper.
Daniel looked surprised. “Oh. Thank you.”
“So what do you kids want to do today?” Jack asked distractedly as he leaned his temple against his hand and started perusing the outdated newspaper. But Sam knew him well enough to see that his casualness was very much an affectation. She couldn’t tell what feelings he was keeping to himself, but if he was anything like her at the moment, inside he was bubbling with excitement and elation, and probably more than a little frustration.
“I didn’t realize fishing was optional,” Daniel muttered under his breath, equally distractedly.
Putting aside her awkwardness at Daniel’s presence, Sam decided to try to nudge Jack out of his affected indifference. “What do you suggest, Jack?” she asked sweetly just before she took a sip of coffee. She smirked into her cup as his eyes snapped to hers. And stared. After a moment he straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat.
Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by Daniel’s voice: “Ah, do you guys want to be alone or something?”
“No!” “Yes!”
Daniel snorted and shook his head as he rose to his feet. “Wow, okay, I think that’s my cue!” Grabbing his coffee and newspaper, he made his way to the door. “You two need to work on that. Seriously.”
After the door closed behind Daniel, Sam’s gaze returned to Jack and they finally shared a smile. It made Sam breathe a little easier. “Well?” Jack asked after a few seconds.
“Has Daniel said anything to you this morning?” she asked.
He didn’t seem fazed by her choice of topic. “He might have mumbled ‘hello’ when he stumbled out of his room. Why?”
Sam shrugged. “I don’t know, something’s bothering him, but he wouldn’t say what. He was clearly uncomfortable just now… I guess I’m just worried that we’ve been so caught up in us that we haven’t really considered how this” she gestured between the two of them, “is going to affect Daniel and Teal’c. I mean I know they’re happy for us, but- what?” she stopped when she saw that the corners of his mouth had quirked up into a small smile.
“Nothing. It’s just… you talking about ‘us’ like that. It’s nice.”
Sam returned his smile. He could be really sweet sometimes - not that she was going to tell him that. “I know.”
“But I wouldn’t worry too much about Daniel. Or Teal’c. Like you said, they are happy for us. They just need to get used to the idea. Besides, right now we don’t even know how this is going to affect the two of us, so maybe we should focus on that first and worry about everything else later for a change.”
With a sudden need to be in closer proximity to this wonderful, complicated man, Sam rose to her feet and walked around the table to sit next to him. His arm moved to rest on the back of her chair as he turned slightly to face her, but he didn’t touch her. Apparently he was determined to hold on to the line they had decided not to cross last night. And her defensive comment about him still being a general probably only helped strengthen his resolve. Little did he know that in reality she was more than willing to walk the line when they were alone, and maybe tap her foot on the other side every once in a while.
“Yes, that would definitely be a nice change,” Sam was replying just as they heard Teal’c’s footsteps approach.
“Howdy, T,” Jack said casually, returning his attention to the newspaper as Teal’c walked passed them towards the kitchen counter.
“I believe I require some caffeinated beverage before engaging any of you in conversation, O’Neill.”
Sam exchanged an amused look with Jack, who raised his eyebrows. Without his symbiote, Teal’c had only recently come to fully grasp what sleeping meant, including the energizing effects of coffee, and the rest of them loved to tease him about it every chance they got.
“Rough night, huh?”
“Indeed. My sleep was deeply affected by most vivid dreams.”
Jack threw Sam a sidelong look. “Yeah? Me too.”
Sam rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help the blush that spread up from her neck at his teasing. She redirected her attention to Teal’c who was now approaching them with a cup of coffee in hand.
“Colonel Carter, do you still wish to train in the arts of Lok’nel this morning?”
“Sure, if you still want to teach me.”
He bowed his head. “Perhaps we may begin after a light breakfast.”
“Sounds perfect, how about half an hour?”
“Very well.” He walked back into the kitchen to start rummaging through Jack’s food supplies.
“Training, huh?” Jack asked.
Sam nodded as she took a sip of coffee. “Yeah, we’ve been talking about it for a while, but just never got the chance to get around to doing it until now.” Realizing that he looked a little petulant, Sam shook her head. “It’s only going to be for an hour or so. But anyways, I was really asking before. What do your recommend we do later?”
He perked up a little. “Oh, there’s loads to do around here. There’s fishing, of course,” he said with a pointed look. “And hiking. And there’s an outfitter for river kayaking or canoeing not too far from here. What else? Ah, bird watching? Did I mention fishing?”
“What do you do up here when it rains?” Sam asked curiously.
He shrugged. “Sometimes I can still fish. If not I usually get a fire started in the fireplace,” he said with a nod towards the living room, “read and stuff.”
Sam smiled as she imagined herself part of this picture, sitting with him on the couch, doing nothing except holding him close and be mesmerized by the dancing flames. “Sounds nice.”
“Yeah.” He suddenly turned to look at her, and studied her for a tad longer than was comfortable. Then he made up his mind about something. “There’s something else. Come on,” he said as he pushed himself to his feet.
“What is it?” Sam asked as he led her outside over the lawn and to the shed. “Your secret Bat Cave?”
“Fantasizing much, are we?” he threw at her over his shoulder.
Sam grinned, happy to be caught at her own game.
“It’s a hobby of sorts,” he clarified, a little more seriously. “I only do it when I’m up here,” he added as he opened the door to the shed and led the way inside.
Struck by the smell of freshly-cut wood, Sam’s eyes swept over the room. She smiled in surprise when she understood what he was showing her. “Carpentry?”
“Of sorts. I like to make furniture. Like that stuff over there,” he indicated with his hand a freshly-made rocking chair and a nightstand that sat in he corner. Sam stared at him with newfound wonder.
“You made these?"
He shrugged a little, apparently not sure how to respond to her incredulous tone. “Yeah. Among other things.”
“Jack, those are amazing!” Sam said as she made her way closer and touched the chair with the tips of her fingers. “Have you ever thought about selling them?”
“Actually, yes. It’s something I’ve been doing for a while, in fact.”
“Wow, I had no idea! Can I try it?”
“Rock away.”
She did, her hands caressing the smooth sanded wood of the armrests. “Wow. How come you never said anything about this?”
He shrugged. “I guess it never came up. It wouldn’t be the only thing that we never talked about.”
Sam threw him a look at his quip, trying to figure out if there was more to the comment, but he was already shrugging it away.
“Come on, let’s go get some breakfast.”
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