* * * * *
|| Jack O'Neill ||
I watched her leave from the window of the meeting room, hunkered in the corner and shrouded by the shadow of the American flag. I could only hope that if she looked up in this direction, she wouldn't see or recognize me -- I had, after all, said that I'd be going home, and in fact I should have already been on my way. There were things I had to take care of before I'd be able to truly recognize the coming threat and prepare myself to fight it.
But I couldn't just LEAVE. Not like she was.
So I stood in the shadows were I hoped she couldn't see me, where I hoped no one could see me, and watched. My caution was all for naught; she said her good-byes to Janet, Daniel, and Warren - Teal'c standing impassively on the other side of the room, stonily silent and unapproachable - and then she left. With HIM.
Lost to me, I reminded myself, watching the wormhole vanish, watching a chapter of my life end.
* * * * *
|| Samantha Carter ||
I stepped out of the Gate onto a cold, dry world. The Tok'ra seemed to like desert worlds, I reflected, shielding my face and let the others point me down the ramp. For some inexplicable reason, they were drawn to the harsh, swirling wind, the soft sand that slipped away with every step. Perhaps they felt that such undesirable conditions would dissuade the majority of people from fully exploring the planet, for seeking out and finding them under the shifting dunes.
Garshaw motioned that we should draw closer together, and instinctively I looked down, well aware of the transporting rings that had to lie beneath the surface. Those things perturbed me more than the Stargates themselves; I had never figured out to my own satisfaction how they operated.
As the golden circles sprang from the gritty soil, enclosing us, and Martouf's hand settled protectively on my shoulder, I cast a despairing look behind me, through the sandstorm, at the Stargate. It merely sat there - almost indifferently - but in the flurry of dirt and debris, deep in my mind's eye, I could see an image superimposed against it.
Jack O'Neill, staring with hollow eyes, a flag close by his shoulder and casting dire shadows on his face.
I closed my eyes against a rush of loss and loneliness that was faster and more treacherous than any spray of sand.
When I opened them, I was deep inside the living tunnels of the Tok'ra.
* * * * *
~ Four months later ~
"But would it suit our needs?"
"I think so, yes. The surface isn't exactly hospitable but you don't need to worry about that. And it wasn't one of the planets listed at Abydos, so more than likely, the Gou'ald don't know about it."
"Do the Tau'ri?"
"I can't promise you anything, but they didn't know about it four months again, I'll tell you that. Besides, from what I hear, the General hasn't been sending out that many exploratory parties lately. The last thing they need is another crisis."
Jadae nodded, seemingly convinced. "I suppose it is not such a tragedy if they DO know about it," she began thoughtfully. "We are allies. Friends."
She smiled, and I returned the gesture before looking back down at the computer screen. "You know, Jadae, I never would have imagined that you were so..."
"Social?" she suggested. Her voice rasped slightly and she cleared her throat.. "I mean no offense to Earth, but that place was not my home. Those people were not my people. I respected and trusted you, but I could never feel completely at ease." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her cock her head, as though closely scrutinizing me. "And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Are you at ease here?"
The tapping of my fingers on the keyboard slowed and stopped as I considered her question. "Put me in front of a computer anywhere and I'll be at ease," I joked, and then sobered, seeing that wasn't the kind of answer she'd been looking for. "In a way, no. In a way, yes."
"Because of Jolinar?"
"Yeah."
The woman's eyes were distant. "I never knew her, myself, but Maretne did once. She thinks that you are like her in many ways."
"Wouldn't Maretne like to tell me this herself?" I teased.
Her smile was gentle. "She prefers to observe."
Nodding that I understood, I returned my full attention to the computer, and Jadae wandered away to get something to eat. The fall of her footsteps across the chamber was familiar and even comforting, though that fact itself was slightly disturbing.
* * * * *
I'd been living here, with these Tok'ra, on this planet, for just about four months, and was becoming quite accustomed to everything about them and the world they called a temporary home. I had been able to witness for myself, not simply through the fragmented memories of Jolinar, how close-knit and efficient they were, how exquisite in their determination. Most of the time, I interacted solely with the hosts, but I was even becoming used to looking at one body and seeing two separate entities. At one point, this had frustrated and disgusted me, reminding me of my own hostage at the 'hands' of a Tok'ra. Now, time and comprehension of the entire situation had changed that.
Jadae had proved to be unexpectedly sociable. She was helpful and intuitive, not nearly the sullen pariah we'd initially viewed her as. In many ways, she took the place of Daniel and Janet and Teal'c: steadfast friends that I'd always been able to depend on. Not to the same extent, of course, but she WAS trustworthy, and honorable... even a little lovable.
Not that life were was some sort of paradise. Even having lived and worked under tons of concrete and metal for more years than I wanted to think about, these tunnels had contributed to a kind of claustrophobia; every now and then, especially during the times designated night, my pulse would begin to race and my breath quicken. I had to force myself to calm, and even then, sometimes the only escape from the groundless panic was sleep.
*I think I've just been complimented.*
I told myself that I had gotten into the habit of going on even less sleep than usual, but the truth - when I would admit it - that I was getting only the minimum rest needed. It was unhealthy, and foolish, but also damned necessary.
Because when I slept, I would...
*You can admit the truth. You just wanted to drag me out here all by myself so you could have your way with me.*
I shook my head and scanned the screen, scrolling down as quickly as possible. T-minus two months, I reminded myself, until the fleet of Gou'ald ships swooped down on Earth and everyone I held dear. Unless, that was, we were able to pull this off.
Each Gou'ald 'mothership' - I hated the term - processed a Stargate. The Gate was inoperable unless it was close enough to a planet to use that world's point of origin; we'd seen this before, experienced it firsthand years ago.
*I want you gone.*
The Tok'ra had assured me that they had operatives aboard each vessel - this was what the plan rested upon - and that when the ships came out of the 'shadows', back into normal space, while everyone else was preparing for the slaughter, they would send a communiqué to the SGC. They would give Hammond and the others the glyphs that corresponded to the approaching ships. From both Earth and the Tok'ra base - P8Z-515, the planet I had just discussed with Jadae - bombs could be sent directly inside the enemy crafts, and detonated after the operatives had gotten to safety.
*Even if this is about love, it doesn't make it right.*
It seemed almost too easy.
I'd spoken to Hammond a few times since my 'reassignment'. From what I could tell, the attitude on his end was that we were putting entirely too much faith in the Tok'ra. The way the Council saw it, too great a responsibility was being placed on the people of Earth. I doubted that an actual conclusion would ever be reached, and simply prayed that both sides could keep it together long enough for us to do this.
Sixteen Gou'ald vessels, destroyed.
*That isn't LOVE, Carter, that's obedience.*
Even if - possibly BECAUSE - the ships were split amongst the System Lords, this would surely cripple the lot of them. They would lose an army, I thought confidently, and if they had accompanied the crafts personally, they would lose their lives as well.
Noting the time, I closed the program and pulled out a crinkled sheet of paper and a pen. Jadae would be returning to the SGC in an hour or so, checking up on their progress and informing them of ours. I had to get this done before she left.
"Daniel, Janet, Teal'c, Tony:
Well, so far everything looks good. At least it's going to plan. Jadae and Martouf are keeping me company, but I miss you all so much! Right now I'm planning to come home in about six weeks, before the Gou'ald arrive. Garshaw wasn't exactly pleased that I'd be 'abandoning' them in such a 'desperate hour', but I explained that the scientists here are more than capable and that I wanted to be there with you guys for the big takedown. Between me and Yosuf, we were able to convince her to be reasonable."
I paused.
"I hope you're all doing well. Thanks for the picture of Cassandra, Janet -- she's growing up so fast, and she looks beautiful. Give her a hug for me. Daniel, I really could have used you here. The Tok'ra have a bunch of old records from who-knows when and where that I bet you'd love to analyze. Maybe after we defeat the Gou'ald, the Council will be in a good enough mood to let you borrow some of them. Teal'c, I hope you're keeping an eye on everyone, not letting them get into too much trouble. Yes, I know we're talking about Daniel here, but you're a Jaffa -- nothing's impossible. Give him a hand, though, Tony... and let up on Daniel, will you? Thanks.
I love and miss all of you. Hope to hear from you soon. Sam"
I reread the letter, smiling as I did so, and then scanned through again, searching for and finding no mention of Colonel O'Neill. Good, I thought, nodding to myself.
I ripped the bottom half off the page and poised my pen over the surface.
God, I was tired. Crawling into bed sounded wonderful - hell, curling up on the cold ground sounded wonderful at the moment. But sleep, no matter where or how it happened to find me, always brought one thing with it.
The dreams.
They came every night, no matter if I tried to get a full rest or simply conked out in the middle of an equation. I would close my eyes, drift a while, and then they would be with me.
Or rather, HE would be with me.
*When I get back, I want you gone.*
Relocating a few thousand light-years had not removed him from my thoughts, subconscious or otherwise. He was here with me just as consistently, just as physically, as he ever had been on Earth. Every male muttering, every brush of a hand against my back, every annoyed grimace was his. There was no escape, it seemed, but there WAS a change. A difference.
*No, Carter. I haven't been acting like myself since I met YOU.*
I could now admit to myself that I didn't hate him. Not in the least.
*Do what you will. Just, I beg of you, be gentle.*
Every morning I woke crying, not out of rage, or misery, or from a memory of unhappy times. Out of longing to go back and, if I couldn't redo those things, to ask forgiveness for them. He would never accept the apology - it wasn't his way - but at least I would have said the words, and I could stop regretting that I hadn't... 'fessed up earlier. Much earlier.
In the dreams, I held his hands, looking up into his face for only seconds before he vanished. I woke, still feeling his palms and fingers hot against mine, my pillow soaked with impotent tears.
I didn't hate him. I missed him, badly.
I needed him. Needed to see him.
* * * * *
Jadae had told me more than once that I was free to accompany here when she made her reports to Hammond. I declined emphatically every time, claiming busyness, turning back to my work, which was really the only thing that could distract me from that lost life... and from Jack O'Neill.
My work... and Martouf.
The real reason I couldn't visit the SGC was because I was afraid to see the Colonel. And afraid that I wouldn't want to return to the Tok'ra, to the world that had become comfortably mine over the past four months. To a group of people that appreciated and liked me, that didn't scorn or distrust me as I imagined most of the SGC must.
"Jack" I wrote. The four letters looked more alien than any writing Daniel had ever brushed dust from, but I kept them there.
He had to know.
"I'm due to return in about six weeks. How would you feel if I came home sooner?"
*Even if this is about love, it doesn't make it right.*
"Samantha."
I stifled a scream of utter surprise and whirled in my seat, glaring up at Martouf. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"
"I am sorry," he said immediately, although not without a little laugh. "We are almost prepared to eat... would you join me?"
"In a sec," I told him lamely, hastily folding the two slips of paper and handing them to him. "Can you get these to Jadae for me?"
"Certainly."
"Thanks." I offered him an enthusiastic smile as a reward, hoping to quell my sudden nervousness. "I'll be down in a couple minutes, okay?"
"I look forward to it."
I smiled again at his courteousness and left the chamber at a brisk pace. The room wasn't constructed of the Tok'ra crystal, but was instead a natural formation of sparkling bedrock that they had simply used for their own devices. It was where most of the computers were, as well as the communications orb. That wasn't used much, for security reasons, but I had utilized it on occasion to speak with Tok'ra on other parts of the base.
From the chamber, down the egg-shaped halls, past a fabric curtain into my room.
I reached under my bed with shaking hands, being slowly but inexorably throttled by my own illogical claustrophobia, and pulled out the duffel I had brought with me from the SGC. Inside were my talismans: the civilian clothes - I now sported the same drab tunic as the rest of them - the picture of Cassie, the dozen or so letters that Daniel, Teal'c, Janet and Tony had sent me...
Nothing of O'Neill's. Nothing to remind me of him, of the man I had loved, then hated, now missed with all my heart. Nothing tangible, nothing I could touch, nothing that wasn't as immaterial as memory. But I had memory -- I had that, and I could remember the times when things had been different... and wish for those times again.
He wouldn't want me to return, I knew that. But I would. I would come home and I would see him, and then I would tell him all of this. How when I'd stepped through the Stargate onto this world four months ago I had felt as though I'd loped off a part of my body, leaving me agonizingly incomplete. How much I had thought of him, how much I hadn't been able to leave him behind.
What the hell was wrong with me that I could run so hot and cold?
I reached into the bag and unfolded one of Daniel's first letters to me. It was the only one that mentioned O'Neill, the only one that gave me any clue about how he felt towards this... towards me.
"Jack doesn't want to hear it, but there's saying that I had to share with you. 'Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is love turned upside-down.'"
I closed my eyes and held onto these words tightly, as I had held onto them for almost four months. Talismans, more than any of the other items, anchoring me to my world... a world that had abruptly been turned upsisde-down.
* * * * *
|| Jack O'Neill ||
"We are convinced that will we able to get the coordinates of the ships, and that you will be able to send your nuclear devices onto them. If we time it correctly, it will not even be noticed by the population of your planet. Lieutenant Colonel Carter has been most helpful in devising a technology with which we can use Earth's point of origin as the point of origin for the Gou'ald vessels from an even greater distance. We..."
"... the time it takes to dial a planet, send the bomb through, and disengage?"
"She is confident that you will. Thanks to the tech..."
Hammond and Jadae's words penetrated my skull, but didn't lodge there. I looked at the woman Tok'ra and saw Sam Carter instead, the tilt of her head and the ghost of a smile playing on her lips as she discussed one of her unfathomable projects. I saw plans and promises I had made to myself four months ago dissolve like a sugar cube in the rain.
After Carter had left, the anger, the all-consuming rage had slowly ebbed away, as I had predicted and prayed. But - to my great dismay - I found that I couldn't simply fill the empty space with my work and my wrath for the Gou'ald. My attention span had never been all that great; now the only thing I knew was that I needed something to fill that void.
I'd gone out with a couple women... the dates had lasted an average of 3.5 minutes. I'd gotten drunk a few times, but even the most potent alcohol seemed to have lost its effect on me. I buried myself in my job... but the truth was that there was very little I could do to prepare for the upcoming ambush of an ambush. I didn't do science. I did strategy, but not this kind, and the way it worked out, Daniel and Warren were more occupied than I. The void remained, oozing, pulsating, like a wound inflicted by an ice-cream scoop and vinegar.
Finally, I was forced to admit it: the gap had at one time been filled by Sam, and with her gone all that remained was a vacuum, a great sucking sound that saturated my entire person. Suddenly, the anger didn't seem all that bad, not a very high price to pay, not if it was towards my Major... my Lieutenant Colonel.
Not mine anymore. Lost to me.
I looked up to find the meeting over and the room empty... except for Jadae.
The black eyes that had at one point seemed vapid and apathetic now seemed inexpressibly kind, though she flushed when she saw I'd caught her staring. "How are you doing, Colonel?"
Slowly, I stood from my chair. "All right."
A million questions flooded my mind, as though the mannerly question-and-answer had opened a gate within me. 'Do you think we can do this? Does Sam? How is she? Is she doing alright? Is Martouf putting moves on her? Has she... Does she ever talk about us? Does she ever ask about us? About me?'
"Good," Jadae said sincerely, and without another glance at my sorry bulk moved towards the door.
"Wait."
She hesitated, but didn't turn back to me.
With single-minded vigor I reached for the folder than had sat in front of me during the meeting. I flipped open the cover and unceremoniously ripped out a sheet of yellow legal paper, pulling a pencil from my shirt pocket and scribbling down two words, eight letters.
"Come home"
I folded the paper in four, hurried around and in front of Jadae, and handed the note to her with ham-fisted grace.
"Can you give this to Sam?"
* * * * *
END
*looks around* *points to story* Shippiness! Right?
Coming soon... another (as yet unnamed) chapter
Feedback, dangit!
Story Notes: Title: The Absense
Author: Alli (alli@ecis.com)
Rating: PG
Category: Future story, SJR, angst
Spoilers: Negligible for 'Shades of Gray'
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis
The Andromeda Series
1. The Assignment
2. The Aide
3. The Afterglow
4. The Arising
5. The Allusion
6. The Attack
7. The Accident
8. The Anger
9. The Alien
10. The Archeologist
11. The Absence
Author: Alli (alli@ecis.com)
Rating: PG
Category: Future story, SJR, angst
Spoilers: Negligible for 'Shades of Gray'
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis
The Andromeda Series
1. The Assignment
2. The Aide
3. The Afterglow
4. The Arising
5. The Allusion
6. The Attack
7. The Accident
8. The Anger
9. The Alien
10. The Archeologist
11. The Absence
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]