A While Longer by Vicki

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Story Notes: EMAIL: little_miss_likes_to_fight@hotmail.com

CATEGORY: Angst, Romance, POV

SPOILERS: "Entity." Small ones for "Divide and Conquer," "There But For The Grace of God," "Point of View." Tiny ones for "Emancipation" and "The Broca Divide"

RATING: PG-13

CONTENT WARNINGS: character death.

PAIRING: Sam/Jack

SUMMARY: A bedside vigil

STATUS: Complete

ARCHIVE: Archive: SJ yes, Heliopolis yes. All others ask first

AUTHOR'S NOTES:Blame the Moulin Rouge soundtrack (see quote below). I'm feeling a bit depressed, I've just watched "Entity" again, so this decided to write itself.Feedback is welcome - just, no flames if you don't mind. Constructive criticism is fine, but if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say it

"This is a story about... love. The woman I loved is... dead." Ewan McGreggor, Moulin Rouge soundtrack "Nature Boy," David Bowie.

* * *

She's lying in the bed, looking as though she's sleeping. But she's not. She's dead. Samantha Carter is dead. She's dead because I shot her. Twice.

I did what I had to do; what any of us would do. But that doesn't make it feel any better. That doesn't bring her back.

I keep replaying the events in my mind, wondering if there was something different I could have done. Anything at all that would have prevented her from being taken over by the Entity. Prevented me from shooting her.

She's lying there, and she's so pale. She's breathing, but that's only because the machine is breathing for her. Turn off the machine, and she's truly gone. Gone forever. She'll never smile at me again, never laugh at my jokes. Never try to explain a piece of science to me, or an Earth thing to Teal'c. She'll never walk through the gate with me again. She'll never know how much I love her. Her last memory of me will be of me behind the gun that shot her. Twice.

I keep asking myself "Why me?" Why was I the one who had to pull the trigger? But then I ask myself if I could have let someone else do it? Sam shot Martouf, because he asked her to, and I understood that. If Sam could have spoken, would she have asked me to shoot her?

She'd understand. After all, she's military; she knows these sort of things as well as I do. But lay aside our ranks a minute, our seeming indifference, and we are just two human beings. The same as we were in Anise's zar'tac detector. All our defences were stripped away, and all that remained for the sake of our lives were Jack and Sam. Our feelings bared for all to see - including ourselves. We agreed to leave it in the room; we both felt that there were more important things at stake then. Now we see that we were wrong. No, I see that we were wrong, because I am all that's left. And I'm not even sure that much is left.

I was suicidal after Charlie's death. I have the same feelings now. Carter helped me cope with it in her own way, even though it had been years after the incident. I don't know who's going to rescue me now. Sam's gone, and all that remained after Charlie went with her. I should never have let myself love again. All those who I ever loved have been harmed in some way. I should have known better than to let myself fall in love with my captain, my major. I never expected to fall in love with her - never wanted to. But I did, and without knowing it. I was powerless to stop myself - not a situation I like to find myself in. And then it happened, and I still wouldn't admit it. Not to myself, and certainly not to anyone else. But then we were forced to, and I admit that I was more than a little surprised that she shared my feelings. I have no idea what she sees... saw in me. She was young, beautiful and intelligent, where as I was an old colonel with a bad sense of humour and enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic. Guess opposites do attract, especially what with all those alternate universes. The first time, when Daniel came back with the news that Carter... Sam and I had been engaged, I was still in denial about the feelings that had been growing ever since I first met her, and couldn't accept the fact that we were together. Couldn't accept the fact that we were allowed to be together, and the fact that I was jealous. And as for our second encounter - well, let's just say that more than a few fantasies were fuelled by that. Same with her blue dress, when she was affected by the Touched virus... truth be told, I was so smitten that Carter at any time, in any dress was enough.

And now I'm sitting here, reliving the past so I don't have to face the present... and the future. A future that before led to the bright spot where we could finally be together without regulations is now empty and bleak. I have nothing to look forward to anymore; no reason to wait. No real reason for Jack O'Neill to live. Only the colonel now, and only the colonel forever more. The colonel is who I should have stayed. The colonel would not be sitting at his 2IC's bedside, refusing to accept the obvious. The colonel would not shed bitter tears for this woman's loss. He would mourn the officer, maybe the scientist. He would not mourn the woman. The woman I loved... love.

Love is eternal they say. Once the machine is turned off, love will be all I have. Love and memories.

I think I'll sit here for a while longer.

* * *

End.

End Notes: Feedback please! little_miss_likes_to_fight@hotmail.com

Copyright Vicki Pryke March 2002

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